Tell me Goodbye
by Tusk Act IV
Summary: Making peace is harder than making war.
1. You can't teach Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

For a while now, I've thought about how your name means "to bring happiness."

That day, that moment when you found me back then, from that moment on, you've given me a countless amount of happiness.

I wonder, what kind of face would you make if I told you that?

"Thank you for finding me."

What would you think if I told you such a thing?

.

I felt a soft touch on my cheek that soon spread throughout my face. My body trembled at the sensation, caught yet not resisting at all.

"Ha…"

As I put strength in my arms for a hug, a soft, glossy voice reached my ears.

I took a deep a deep breath and my lungs filled up with a faintly sweet smell, a gentle low-key flower-like scent. Hidden behind the light odor of sweat and aroma of body soap, it was a scent that could only be found when one was this close.

The power of the arms wrapped around my head increased and my face was covered by a soft warmth.

Feeling like I was losing, I tightened my arms wrapped around her back. I wanted to be as close as possible, to fill as many gaps between us as possible.

I didn't feel the hard poke of a wire. A shudder traveled down my spine from the feeling of her chest pressing onto me, separated by only a thin cloth.

Even though I was at peace, my body couldn't help but get excited.

How pitiful to be still dictated by my lower areas. I feel sorry for myself.

"Just what do you wear when you go to bed?"

"Have some delicacy."

"Sorry."

"It's fine. Shi Shi Shi," Yotsuba smiled happily as she cradled my head.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Shortly after graduating from university, I got married.

I had met my wife in high school, and after various events that wouldn't have been out of place of a manga, we started to date when I entered university.

The only problem was that, besides my wife, there were other women who fell for me. I honestly had no idea why but it became a troublesome thing. When I tried to talk about it with my then future wife, well, there was a lot of trouble.

I intended to get to know more about her and the dating process first, but my wife was a strong yet jealous woman. In addition to my lack of experience in having a romantic relationship, I also lacked in simple interpersonal ones as well so the feelings of love, jealousy, and whatnot directed at me were too much out of my depth.

In the end, the only other person I could look to for consultation was Yotsuba.

Yotsuba was one of my few friends in high school, one that somehow stuck around and became a person I could consult. It's ironic how things have turned from me teaching her. When I decided to start dating my wife, it was only Yotsuba who hugged me and gave me her blessing.

She hadn't changed much from how she was in high school. Even then, I struggled keeping up with her very puppy-like energy.

We went out to go drinking, planning my future dating courses or just common complaints about university life.

When I started to date my wife, Yotsuba had also started to live alone. Her place was the perfect place for two people to drink rather than just at a pub. For a poor person like me, Yotsuba's apartment was a good place where two people could settle down, consult with each other, or just fill in for a cheap place to drink.

Whenever I didn't know what to do, I directed such problems at Yotsuba who listened to my stories wholeheartedly. Sometimes she didn't always have the right advice but having her listen was enough to lighten the weight on my heart.

Yotsuba would then tell me about the boyfriend she was dating at the time. However, unlike myself, Yotsuba's stories were innocent.

He was a person who was clumsy but very kind and also smart. Just from hearing how soft and gentle her normally loud voice could get; it was clear how much Yotsuba liked that man.

Every time I heard such a story, I felt the back of my heart tighten.

Every time I saw the happy face of Yotsuba, something hot boiled at the bottom of my belly.

Well, Yotsuba was not only my friend but also someone I could consider a sister. It may not have been nice for anyone to hear their siblings talk so glowingly about a stranger, after all.

That's how organized my feelings on the matter.

That's what I told myself.

.

When I graduated from university and settled into a workplace, my wife who I had been still dating started to talk about marriage more often. Such things didn't come as a surprise. Even back then, she's always had the desire to marry but it seemed her feelings on the matter had finally peaked.

Back then, it wasn't that I didn't want to but I never could take that final step. There was something that made me hesitate from buying a ring that I couldn't figure out.

Habits are horrible. There are some you just couldn't stop so I naturally went to Yotsuba.

Even though it was a problem I should've thought about myself, I still presented her which such a shameless story.

Ever since we both started to work, there were fewer opportunities to meet than we did in university so it had been quite some time. Soon, we started to drift away from my marriage consultation into other topics.

About work, about relationships, small minor things. Our talk gradually went back to the past. The times back in university, back in high school.

Since we started to talk about more on the past than the present, does that mean we've finally become adults?

It's almost like a lie how easily I could look back at so many memories.

When I was studying in high school the only memory, I could look back to was of "that girl" I met in Kyoto. If those memories were film, they'd have been long worn out by now. In high school, I would repeatedly look back at those memories of my trip in Kyoto.

The hard times. The sad times. The lost times.

I remembered how many times I used it to encourage and inspire myself to go concentrate on my studies.

About that girl in Kyoto—About Rena—About Yotsuba.

.

"Well, you were the one I consulted when I started to date her, weren't you?"

"It seems the easily embarrassed Uesugi-san has finally decided to get married…. How admirable."

"I remember when I first told you about it. You were having trouble taking care of that ribbon of yours and then decided to start drinking without stop. I'm pretty sure you vomited at some point."

"I'm really sorry for inconveniencing you like that."

"Well, you've always been like that since High school…It's much too late now."

"Ahahaha!"

I felt myself involuntarily smile at Yotsuba's soft laughter. It's been a long time since my heart lightened. I missed this. I felt such relief that I could feel my shoulders loosen.

"Hey, what happened to your boyfriend?"

"Eh?"

"You know. That boyfriend you always used as an example."

"Oh…well, that's right." Awkwardly, she turned her eyes to the side, looking away from my gaze. "In fact, that whole boyfriend thing was actually a lie."

"A lie?"

"Well, what kind of university student didn't have at least one lover right? Ahahaha!"

Yotsuba's voice shook lightly as she laughed, rubbing the back of her head with one hand. It was clear she was slightly embarrassed from such a façade but was willing to laugh off her past actions.

Really, she hasn't changed. Even since back then, she's always been honest and pure.

"Uuu…You heard something awful."

I shook my head. "Well, don't worry about it. It's pretty embarrassing for you but I've done my fair share of lies too. I don't know why you'd do such a thing in the first place."

Besides, she's bad at lying.

"Well, don't worry about it. It's just shameful that I have to lie like that."

She continued to mumble out excuses so I did what I needed to do to stop her.

"That's enough."

I hugged her involuntarily. It must have been the drinks going through me but it's not like we haven't done such skinship before.

There was no need for Yotsuba to talk about something that painful.

At that time, there was no way she was lying when she talked about her lover. Those were words and feelings that must have come from the bottom of her heart.

I can only guess at how a lie became another lie.

Yotsuba's shoulders trembled in my arms.

"…Uesugi-san…"

She lifted her head, and looked up at me with gentle blue eyes. They were not of a puppy but that of a pretty girl.

"Please get married."

My heart skipped a beat.

I couldn't say a word in return.

An unknown emotion overflowed from my chest as I looked down at Yotsuba.

She smiled.

"You both look good together."

"Eh…"

"Please by happy, Uesugi-san," breathed Yotsuba as she leaned her head on my shoulder. "You've always accepted people for who they are and never gave up no matter how hard things got. No matter how anxious you may feel, if it's Uesugi-san, then I'm sure things will work out."

Her arms wrap around my back. I feel something soft press against my chest.

"In addition, if you ever want to consult something, just ask. Because I'm absolutely Uesugi-san's friend."

"I will always support you."

With a smile, soft lips gently pressed against my cheek.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Uesugi-san, you should return home soon."

"Nnn…"

A voice whispered in my ear. The clock by the bedside had passed an hour from the time I last checked it.

Yotsuba's hand stroked my head many times.

"You're going to worry your wife."

"I told her that I'll work overtime today."

There was one hour left until I was supposed to meet my wife. It was sad to let go of such warmth and I tried to draw as much from her radiating body.

"C'mon…It'll be only harder if you fall back to sleep now."

"Ugh…"

In the back of my groggy mind, memories of demon-like incoming calls and messages on my phone whenever I exceed our scheduled appointments played back. It would always take a lot of trouble to correct her mood after.

Yotsuba slipped out of my arms and picked up my jacket and bag strewn across the floor. I shook my head as I walked to the front door of the apartment and then passed my arms through the sleeves of the jacket, she handed to me.

I turned to face her.

"Sorry, about that."

"Shi Shi Shi, Uesugi-san can apologize obediently too, I see." Yotsuba stretched out her hand to comb the top of my hair, fixing any loose strands that may have come undone.

"You can't complain too much to your wife, right? Uesugi-san worries too much but it's also the sign of your love for her. You can hit me with anything you have."

"I know."

I wrapped my arms around Yotsuba's waist, embracing her.

"Woah, Uesugi-san!"

"What is it?"

"…N-nothing."

"Right."

"It's normal for friends to hug each other after all!" With a red face, Yotsuba wrapped her arms around my neck.

Her cheek felt soft against my own, moist.

"Please come anytime."

"Ah…"

"I will always be by Uesugi-san's side."

"…"

Yotsuba's voice was a whisper, as soft as the silent pain flowing through my chest. For whatever reason, tears started flowing down my face and I buried my face into the crook of her neck.

**Chapter 1: You can't teach goodbye.**

* * *

**TN: I'm back baby. I found this story interesting and so decided to adapt it into english, mainly for myself so I can read it in English when I want to. Note that this story involves heavy themes later on so reader discretion is advised.**

**This may seem a bit of a weak start but it does get much better at the later parts. This was written around Sisters War so some characterization may seem off.**


	2. I can't say Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

For a while now, I've thought about how my name means "to bring happiness."

That day, that moment when I found you at that place, from that moment on, I started to think of [Me] than us.

If I told you, you would surely deny it was because of you.

"Thank you for meeting me."

What would you love me if I told you such a thing?

.

I looked at the gentle face on my chest and relaxed.

I lied to brush my hands through his hair.

"Ha…"

A sweet numbness runs through the core of my body and I unexpectedly let out a voice. I hold him head close to me, for myself, as if I could lock him away forever.

I feel his arms against my back. My body is slender but when i feel his stiff arms around my back tears reach my eyes.

I want to cry. I want to get dressed.

"Just what do you wear when you go to bed?"

"Have some delicacy."

"Sorry."

"It's fine. Shi Shi Shi,"

I kissed Uesugi-san's forehead who began to use my lap for a pillow.

What kind of face would you make if you learned I didn't dress up on purpose?

What would you do if i told you I was happy to bury your face into my chest?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I've always loved my name.

Even before I knew what it meant; I've always been fond of it.

"Yotsuba. Your name means "to bring happiness," my mother told me one day when I asked her. I remember tilting my head in question as she wryly smiled back.

"It means you'll make everyone around you happy."

I still didn't really understand but I was happy how my mom laughed and rubbed my head.

And so, I loved my name.

.

Ichika, who was a mean and naughty leader became our eldest sister. Nino became stronger and more overprotective of us sisters while Miku became the smartest. Itsuki started talking like mother used to, as if trying to replace her.

That the youngest child became our mother. I wanted to say something about it but couldn't.

Not only Itsuki, but everyone managed to keep us together by changing ourselves, so no one could say anything to anyone.

It was hard for us.

.

Mom died.

.

She worked hard to raise the five of us. She pushed herself as a teacher just to take care of us five. So much so her body broke down.

I remember the feeling of mom's hand when it stopped moving.

I remember a thin hand; the rough feeling of the bone under her skin.

I remember her warmth disappearing.

I remember indistinguishable crying in a hospital room, whether it was myself or my sister was impossible to determine.

I remember the stunned face of my soon to be father, a person whose expression I've never seen changed until that point.

Hey, mom. My name means to bring happiness, right?

But everyone is crying. Everybody is hurting.

Why?

If I do my best, I wonder if everyone will stop crying if I do it properly.

I wonder if I can bear this sad face, this ugly face, this sloppy face, and smile.

Will everyone be happy then?

.

When we moved to another high school because of my own failings, I hated my name.

No, I hated myself, not the name mom gave me. I hated myself.

What is happiness?

I don't bring happiness but unhappiness.

Speaking of which, I heard that the number "4" is actually a sinister number but I shook my head thinking of such a stupid thing.

.

A boy of the same grade as us became our tutor.

I was surprised. Not because he was in the same grade nor because he was a tutor.

It is because the boy was "that boy".

A boy I met in Kyoto.

A boy who looked really mean but also looked lonely.

A person I couldn't leave alone and called out to pull around for the whole day.

And then he reappeared in front of me. Words that often appear in the dramas Nino liked such as "Fate" rang off in my mind but when I took a look at him, I immediately threw away the word.

100 points.

0 points.

Because I'm unhappiness, pulling everyone down rather than becoming their example.

I couldn't show him what I've become so I decided to keep it a secret that day we met. However, I wanted to get better and so decided to help Fuutarou, no, Uesugi-san as much as I could.

I'll be the only one on his side.

Let me be the only one able to help him.

I don't know if I can help him, but I'll do as much as I can.

Uesugi-san seemed to be a loner and was clumsy on talking to people. He handled things with no delicacy at all. He always kept people at a distance. I understood that it was because all he did was study.

But when I started to get to know him more, I immediately realized something.

He looked like a loner but he was sincere.

He had no delicacy but he was kind.

He kept people at a distance but was a person who you can talk to without fear of getting hurt.

Miku was the first. Next was Ichika. Nino repulsed him many times and even Itsuki wasn't straightforward with him but I then realized that all my sisters had opened their hearts to him and needed him.

I was delighted.

The boy I met that day, as promised, had become a wonderful boy that is needed by people.

Unlike me, who is used until I was drained, he became someone who took things head on and became a person who was sought after by others.

As my sisters became aware of Uesugi-san's greatness, he also started to open up to them. The boy that didn't want to make friends had three flowers fall for him.

He began to smile at my sisters and my sisters returned it with their own smiles. Demure, confident, shy, trusting.

I was glad for how he changed.

I was proud that he could change.

When I realized the feeling of superiority coursing through me from the only one knowing of his changes, I started to despise myself.

I told myself a hundred times that Rena was gone and that she would never again speak to him. I didn't want to break the illusion of Rena. With the beautiful memories we've made, I began to wish to make him and my sisters happy somehow.

Everyone needs to be happy.

.

I hid my feelings.

.

It was no doubt thanks to Uesugi-san that I was able to graduate and even get into a university. Although our universities our separate, Uesugi-san's university and my own were close to each other so there were naturally more opportunities for Uesugi-san and I to work together.

Not the five sisters, but only me and Uesugi-san.

One time, I received a consultation from Uesugi-san.

I was surprised that he wanted to talk but I was even more surprised by the contents.

He told me how he had been approached by a girl who had been in love with him since high school. His facial expression was more perplexed than embarrassed or pleased.

I could only think 'Oh, this guy really is clumsy. This person is really insensitive to human motions.'

He had not yet understood how to accept such romantic approaches.

He hasn't noticed Ichika, Nino, Miku and, I'm not sure about Ituski, but even so there are still many girls who have shown interest in him. Even when I tried to point things out, he still can't see it.

It's just the kind of person he is.

And the reason Uesugi-san became like this is because of his original promise with me. Therefore, I think I should take responsibility and become Uesugi-san's power just as he helped us out!

So I decided to become his consultant.

.

Oh, that's just an excuse.

The truth is I know I'm a fool who is happy when Uesugi-san asks me something. It's an excuse to have a sense of superiority in monopolizing Uesugi-san to myself.

Cunning.

How sick and timid.

How sick and timid and ugly

I have no qualifications to have Uesugi-san to myself yet I try to gain his trust by arranging such excuses.

What a disgusting child.

.

When Uesugi-san told me, he was going to start dating, I got dizzy.

I've felt pains in my chest but this one stabbed through my heart harder than anything I've experienced before.

Oh, I'm crying.

My eyes got so hot. I didn't want him to see me crying in front so I jumped over to Uesugi-san. He hugged me back with the smile I've always admired.

My chest pain grew stronger and stronger as I felt his hard chest against my cheek, Uesugi-san's smell, and the unexpected strength in his arms as he wrapped them around my back. Even so, I didn't want to let go and rubbed my face against his chest, it was surely wet by now.

Even though I didn't want to say it, I wiped the overflowing tears on his chest many times and squeezed out "Congratulations".

.

I soon understood she wanted to be bound to him.

Uesugi-san also knew she was a mass of jealousy and monopolistic desire but he was more puzzled how such heavy love could be directed at someone like him even though he's made sure to make their relationship clear to everyone.

I understood immediately.

Because we were the same

Since they began dating, I've only seen Uesugi-san exhausted every time we met up. So, I always make sure bring out his accumulated complaints, anxieties, and questions.

Uesugi-san and I started to meet more often than before he started dating her.

When we went out, I listened to his complaints. I helped choose what presents to buy. I helped plan courses for their dates.

He never suspected my feelings for him and I made sure they were never known.

While hearing him talk about his lover cut through my heart, the trust I received from him felt pleasant enough to offset it.

I was happy enough if he'd remember the comfortable times, he spent with me.

I told Uesugi-san I had a lover that I was also dating properly as I wanted Uesugi-san to think of me as a friend without concern.

Of course, that's a lie.

A clever, shallow, timid lie.

Whenever I talked about my "boyfriend", I just remembered the times I spent with Uesugi-san and told him what I liked about him and why I loved him.

I talked about the person I liked so he wouldn't notice the person in question was right in front of me.

It's a lie but it's not a lie.

Therefore, Uesugi-san would surely not notice it.

It's thrilling but I know it won't last.

Every time I see a fire of jealousy burn in the back of Uesugi-san's eyes, the monopoly in me filled a little.

I felt special to him.

.

I know it's wrong.

No matter where I go, Uesugi-san's lover is her and I'm just his friend, a sister to Uesugi-san.

Such a relationship will eventually end. At that time, there won't be any Uesugi-san by my side.

But that's why I want to continue this feeling of self-satisfaction a little more and more.

Every time we meet, I'd think it'd be the last time and before I realized it, I had graduated from university.

.

After a long time, Uesugi-san contacted me one day.

After inviting him to dinner, we agreed to go back to my apartment which hasn't changed since I was a university student. When he said that he'd see me after work, I was completely on cloud nine.

No matter how many times I look back on it, I was really stupid.

Just as usual.

.

"I've been told that I should get married."

For a moment, I was back in high school and had no idea what any of his words meant. Even though the sounds reached my ears it was as if my mind couldn't assemble them into words.

It's just a bunch of notes that my brain couldn't understand.

Just as those words permeated into me so did the world around me start to fall over. It was like someone cut into the back of my chest with a hot knife, and of course, my body was shaking with intense pain.

Where was the happiness in this?

Our relationship.

The relationship with him and that woman.

If I only had thought it, I should have known what kind of talk this was going to be.

I truly felt like a foolish woman.

Still, even knowing all that and feeling like I was blown away like scraps of paper, I still felt a slight sense of superiority from the trust placed on me by Uesugi-san.

Such a foolish woman

.

"Well, you were the one I consulted when I started to date her, weren't you?"

"It seems the easily embarrassed Uesugi-san has finally decided to get married…. How admirable."

"I remember when I first told you about it. You were having trouble taking care of that ribbon of yours and then decided to start drinking without stop. I'm pretty sure you vomited at some point."

"I'm really sorry for inconveniencing you like that."

"Well, you've always been like that since High school…It's much too late now."

"Ahahaha!"

There's no way I could have forgotten that moment. It was something I wanted to forget.

At that time, much like now, I ignored my usual pacing and drank as much alcohol to make it seem like I wasn't about to cry.

If I did not, I would have broken down in front of him.

"Hey, what happened to your boyfriend?"

"Eh?"

"You know. That boyfriend you always used as an example."

Uesugi-san was drinking at a faster pace than usual too so I could easily see his reddened cheeks lift up from his grin.

"Oh…well, that's right."

Speaking of which, I was telling a lie about a boyfriend at that time.

I completely forgot.

However, there's no real point anymore.

"In fact, that whole boyfriend thing was actually a lie."

"A lie?"

"Well, what kind of university student didn't have at least one lover right? Ahahaha!"

I was really talking about you.

I wanted to tell you what I liked about you but I couldn't say it honestly.

So, I made up a boyfriend.

In the first place, there was no reason to say such a lie. I only wanted Uesugi-san to think of me as a friend.

"Uuu…You heard something awful."

Uesugi-san looked at me with pain in his eyes.

What are you thinking?

Did you notice it was a lie?

No, I'm sure you didn't. I wonder if you're thinking if it's your fault that such a boyfriend left me.

"Well, don't worry about it. It's just shameful that I have to lie like."

No, it's not like that. How much did I want to say that, to deny everything.

I'm desperately trying to hold back my tears. I can't even suppress my voice from shaking anymore.

"That's enough."

Uesugi-san wrapped his arms around my shoulders and my body heats up as if it was on fire.

"…Uesugi-san…"

Looking up, Uesugi-san's gaze collided with my own. In the back of Uesugi-san's eyes something like a hot flame is flickering.

I couldn't say a word. The strength in his arms, the heat of his gaze directed at me, his breath that touches my ear. The euphoria washes over like an avalanche.

Words refused to come out, only tears flowing endlessly.

Well, let's say it here.

The feelings in my heart.

.

I really like you!

.

I like you so much i can't hold myself back anymore!

.

I love you!

.

"Please get married."

The emotions I couldn't suppress have involuntarily failed.

Uesugi-san's eyes searched my own.

What the hell did I say?

What on Earth am I saying?

I was about to ruin everything.

"You both look good together."

"Eh…"

"Please by happy, Uesugi-san,"

Uesugi-san gritted his teeth, the noise of his teeth clicking echoed behind my ear.

I squeezed my hand hard enough for my fingers to bite into my palm.

"You've always accepted people for who they are and never gave up no matter how hard things got. No matter how anxious you may feel, if it's Uesugi-san, then I'm sure things will work out."

Hang in there.

Hang in there.

You can do it!

"In addition, if you ever want to consult something, just ask. Because I'm absolutely Uesugi-san's friend."

I hope this wish reaches you.

But…I don't want you to notice it.

.

"I will always support you."

.

Speaking of friendship, a kiss on the cheek should be enough.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Uesugi-san, you should return home soon."

"Nnn…"

I gently whispered to his ear. If I watched his sleeping face, time would pass in an instant.

Anything more than this and his wife will get suspicious.

Still, I couldn't stop my fingers from going through his hair, knowing that the loneliness within me will only get stronger now.

"You're going to worry your wife."

"I told her that I'll work overtime today."

He sounded like a husband having an affair. However, he's only going over to a friend's house.

Yes, it's still safe.

"C'mon…It'll be only harder if you fall back to sleep now."

"Ugh…"

I forced myself out of his arms. Taking his jacket and bag, I made headed to the front door.

"Sorry, about that."

"Shi Shi Shi, Uesugi-san can apologize obediently too, I see."

I used my fingers to comb through his hair, fixing anything out of place. I've long since memorized each strand's position. A pain similar to a sweet numbness rushed through my chest as I looked up at him. The tutor I knew since he was a child would soon become a husband to another woman.

Do you show such a look to that person too, Uesugi-san?

"You can't complain too much to your wife, right? Uesugi-san worries too much but it's also the sign of your love for her. You can hit me with anything you have."

"I know."

Unexpectedly, his arms wrapped my waist.

"Woah, Uesugi-san!"

"What is it?"

"…N-nothing."

"Right."

"It's normal for friends to hug each other after all!"

I lied. I scolded myself internally.

My heart's beating loudly.

Such experiences for me have stopped since our high school days unlike him who is getting married.

I wonder if he does the same to her and my chest feels a different sort of pain before I return Uesugi-san's embrace.

"Please come anytime."

"Ah…"

"I will always be by Uesugi-san's side."

"…"

Uesugi-san's lips pressed strongly against my neck.

What are you thinking?

Do you have feelings I can't forgive myself for hoping for?

I wish that I could fall apart in your arms right now.

It would be nice to break down in your arms right now.

I wish I was still that stupid.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

That day, even after that night, I was ready for the end.

However, my relationship with Uesugi-san continues.

It's good that he relies on me.

It's good that he asks me for help.

We eat, drink, cuddle, sleep together, and then I see him off.

We both have doubts about this relationship which involve things that go past friendship but we never mention any of it.

It's better that we never acknowledge this sort of distorted friendship.

We only have to say one word to end it. A very simple word that even someone like me knew how to say. There's no way no one would know such a word.

Everybody pretends they don't know words they know.

.

My excuse is that he never thought me how to communicate such simple words.

**Chapter 2: I won't say goodbye**

* * *

**TN: Part 2. It's a bit exposition and melodramatic but after this is when it really brings on a narrative and starts picking up.**

**Note, this was written around Sisters War with following chapters adjusting to Yotsuba's shown characterization. The wife is also intentionally left vague until much later.**


	3. Looking away from Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

I want to go back

I want to start over.

On that day, I shouldn't have lied to him.

I told him, "I liked him."

I told him it was a lie.

It was a lie of a lie.

Whether that was the only lie I've ever deceived him with…

I can't say for certain.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

_"Do you have the resolve to face my Grandchildren?"_

These days, I can't help but remember those words that were told to me back then. It was something my grandfather in law, no, my master told me.

"Devoting one's time to getting to know their behaviors, voices, and habits…is that not love?" …was what he said.

Nowadays, it's become easy for me to tell apart the sisters even without looking at their hairstyle. They don't even bother with such tricks these days and would say "It's boring that we can't tease you anymore" but I find it to be a personal accomplishment, nonetheless.

But is this really love? Have I really become so knowledgeable?

I wonder if they are really able to face each other like how I face them.

.

"So, this is Uesugi-san's love nest."

"Love nest?"

"Isn't it?"

It's the first time I've heart such a phrase. Yotsuba looked up to me and grinned.

"Aha. Are you perhaps embarrassed?"

"Idiot."

"Ehe~"

Yotsuba pointed to my hand, already moving up to adjust my bangs. It's an old habit I haven't been able to change.

With a face that spoke of a mission accomplished, Yotsuba happily walked out of the room, a small stride in her step.

.  
It's unusual for Yotsuba to come over to my house. This was perhaps the first time this year alone.

The last time she came over was shortly after I had just gotten married. She was my wife's sister so it's only natural. Father-in-law still complained to me at a later date however.

It must have been almost a year since then.

Some of the other sisters show up frequently enough while others were more on special occasions. Everyone had their lives to live after all.

The place is a modern apartment perfect for a newlywed to live in. It was meant for two people to live in but since we're both often busy with work it's actually rather spacious. As a person who is used to living in a tiny place, I did feel a bit too extravagant and that we could have lived in half the space of our current one but my wife insisted.

She said it was not good enough if we ever have to consider increasing our family but just how many children was she expecting? There's no way I'm breeding five children.

Yotsuba surveyed the place, looking at tablecloths, lined accessories, and each photo frame with curious eyes.

Honestly, I wished my wife would stop placing so many photo frames everywhere. It's somewhat embarrassing but she's insistent about it. You could see a wedding photo for every two steps you take in here. I'm sure if my wife back in high school had seen the state of our apartment, she too would have gotten shy about it.

It felt awkward how Yotsuba looked past each one of them so I took a quick trip to the kitchen to hide the awkwardness of it all.

The clock above says it's a little past 11 o'clock. A bit early for lunch but it will have to do.

"Uesugi-san made it?"

"No, it was prepared beforehand."

My wife loves to cook.

When I was living alone in university, I never learned to cook as there were always at least three or four Tupperware containers filled with food in my small refrigerator. Even the serving size was large in consideration of my appetite.

However, the amount was just right this time.

Marinated salmon served with avocado on the side paired with a plate of Roast beef and taco rice. At the same time, I add paprika and pickled baby corn into two small dishes respectively.

I now had to wonder what to serve it with.

"I have beer and wine but I also have whiskey and shochu given to me by my father."

"White wine! I'll open the cork." Yotsuba laughed as she suddenly entered the kitchen. If it was back then, she'd say "Anything is fine. As long as Uesugi-san wants to drink it." Today's Yotsuba seems oddly assertive though that's just a trivial observation.

"Sure. You're strong enough to anyways." I pulled out a wine bottle and held it out to but she didn't move to take it.

"Please have some delicacy."

"But it's true…"

"Even if it's true, it's too rude to say to a girl."

"A girl?"

As I proclaimed my disbelief, I put some strength in my grip and uncorked the bottle myself, a floral aroma hitting the both of us. She held the bottle back to me.

"Ah!"

Well, sometimes her current expression when her cheeks swell up when she pouts does certainly match that of a young girl.

At least, it's hard to see her as an adult woman like this.

When I gently poked her puffed up cheek, Yotsuba turned red.

"…!"

Wide eyes stared back and my ears heard the loud beating of a heart, my own?

I pulled back my fingertip as if there had been a current running through it.

"Uesugi-san?"

"It's nothing. Let's eat."

I brushed her head quickly, much like I would a puppy. There should have been a difference between a woman over twenty and a puppy however there didn't seem to be any here.

I put set the table as I placed the dishes to each side and poured the wine into my glass. Yotsuba sat down across me, oddly pouting.

"Muu…Uesugi-san still treats me like a child."

"It seems you've gotten sharper."

Lightly grinning, I finally poured wine into Yotsuba's glass although that just seems to inflate her cheeks even more.

"You're too obvious about it!"

"You're absolutely right."

"You should really learn to get better at it."

"I'll consider it if you take off that conspicuous ribbon of yours."

"Unununu. How slimy."

How can a woman over twenty still consider wearing such a ribbon? I was relieved when I heard she didn't wear it at work.

"Well, it's not like I hate your ribbon."

"Ho~ho! I knew Uesugi-san thought of this as one of my cute charm points after all."

"It's actually awful."

"Why?!"

"It's sort of like the sky or the daily newspaper. It gives me reassurance seeing its still there."

"Isn't that an awful way to put it?"

"It's also convenient when we meet up. Easy to spot."

"Is that why you only go to me!?"

As we fill ourselves up, soon laughter echoed through the room.

It's actually true that the ribbon is useful for meet-ups. I feel relieved when I see it. However, I can't say such a thing to Yotsuba who usually arrives first.

When I see the rabbit ears in the distance, I can calmly walk to our meeting place. Whenever I get there, this person still feels like she hasn't changed since high school and I get as restless like a child as well.

I can't hate watching this girl who can't lie happily waiting for me. With a ribbon that stood out just a badly as it did in high school. With a silly smile that hasn't changed since high school.

She's always been waiting for me all the way back in high school.

I can't hate her.

Though I will never say such words.

I swallowed such words I would never say and raised my glass.

"Let's make a toast for the time being."

"Isn't it a bit too early?"

Even though she said such a thing, Yotsuba still lightly tapped her glass to my own. A liquid with a golden hue shook lightly in my glass.

"I wonder why it feels so good to drink in the daytime?" Yotsuba, finishing her wine glass in one go, leaked a fiery sigh.

Maybe it was because of her childish ribbon but I never though wine (or sake) matched Yotsuba. Orange juice is the more likely culprit. Of course, I don't say that because she may end up killing me if I do. That I choose not to say such words only shows that I've grown up a little.

"I agree."

I finished my own glass in two hasty gulps. After pouring a refill for myself, I turned the mouth of the bottle to Yotsuba's glass where she accepted a refill happily.

"It's just my own opinion but I think the sense of immorality adds a little spice to it."

"Sense of immorality…"

"Do you know what that means?"

"Ah! I'm being made fun of again!"

"No, I'm saying this as a person who knows the academic abilities of you sisters."

"What are you talking about? Of course, I know what it means"

It seems such words were taught to her by her sisters.

"What kind of toast is this by the way?" Yotsuba muttered as the wine was divided between the two of us once more.

"What do you mean?"

"Because if it's after work, then it means that I worked hard all day today. If it's at a wedding, it means congratulations. But what about today?"

"Three's a lot. We could just pray for each other's health and success. In the first place, offering sake to the gods and the dead done in religious rituals."

So, either we become each other's mothers or become grandfathers. Either way didn't make much sense.

"N-no, for now, do you want to celebrate Uesugi-san's unchanging marriage?"

"That's a bit too much for me. If so, then, I'll celebrate the same unwavering bond you Nakano sisters share as well as for your continued health."

"Why are you saying that now?"

"It's not like you had a fight, right?"

"Yes but.."

Suddenly, two high-pitched beeps rang through the air. It seemed that our smartphones got a message the same time.

A wave of relief went through me as I opened the message and looked at the sent photo. Indeed, it seemed to be lunch over there as well.

The same photo seemed ot have been sent to Yotsuba as well.

There was a homemade cake and the Nakano sisters surrounded it with a smile. Smiles that haven't changes since high school.

The difference is that there were four people in the picture.

"You didn't go?"

The message of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" was printed in icing on the top of the cake in the photograph.

Today, after all, was May 5th. It is the birthday of my wife and her four sisters.

My wife actually asked if I wanted to join but when I do, she usually hovered over me protectively, too occupied to enjoy the festivities. As her husband, I wanted her to enjoy her birthday party with her sisters without worry so I rejected the offer.

"Because it's not mandatory."

"I don't think that's the same line you once said of five people who sticking together."

"Then I would have refused to come."

"If you're free to attend, you're free to not go. There's no reason to refuse."

"Then why didn't you, Uesugi-san?"

I didn't say another word as I poured another glass of wine for Yotsuba. She took a small sip before turning her gaze back at me.

"Uesugi-san would be lonely by himself, right?"

"Is the child me or you?"

"Shi Shi Shi…it's good either way, right? Children should get along with each other."

"You're pretty much one at the core, aren't you?"

"Isn't Uesugi-san the same?"

"I've felt that way for a long time."

As Yotsuba said, if I wanted to refuse, I should have refused.

It should have been only natural for me to refuse.

And yet, I still invited her over to my house to eat and drink.

I knew the reason for my actions. It would be a lie to say I wasn't happy to spend the day drinking with Yotsuba, the first time in a long time.

I couldn't say such things however as my mouth would tear from the guilt to my wife.

"In addition-"

It may have been because she was drunk but Yotsuba suddenly laughed, her cheeks blushed pink.

Her words caught me off guard.

Glossy lips shone like the skin of an indecent snake curved up like a crescent moon, more magical than any wine.

I couldn't help but feel like I'd been dropped into a whirlpool of confusion whether the Yotsuba in front of me is really the Yotsuba that I knew.

Or was it just something I haven't realized until now?

I swallowed every thought in my head as I drank the wine before me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I just wanted to know what kind of love this was.

Whatever it was, if it was love, I was willing to happily let it go.

I had no choice in doing so.

These inconsistent thoughts sat somewhere below, always drifting within me.

Around and around.

A spiral of thorns floating within me, always scratching from within.

When they hit me here and there, I wish I could just scrape it all off and have it disappear.

Staying distorted, my thoughts continued to grow, feeding my pain,

Leaving me full of roses

And now I'm drifting through my life, here and there.

Around and around.

.

"So, this is Uesugi-san's love nest."

I felt nauseous just speaking those words.

When I say it to myself, it had me recognize once more that these two people were not only engaged but already married.

The room showed n signs of childish taste. It was unexpectedly tidy considering my memories of the past. Even my room full of houseplants was very cluttered.

I wondered if the two of them sat on the sofa with their shoulders together when watching TV or Uesugi-san, being the kind person, he is, would go out with her to shop for furniture.

When I picked up the remains of the woman's scent in the room along with certain traces of life, the bottom of my stomach wiggled harshly. The door of the room was open and the insides could easily be seen from the living room.

An unpleasant feeling rubbed the back of my heart and so I turned my eyes away.

Even though such things were obvious, I couldn't help but feel disgust at my own stupidity at still getting shocked on seeing such things. My gaze found trouble resting when photo stands took up every place I looked.

A photo of a smiling grandfather and my sisters smiling.

I remember the last time we took this picture with my grandfather. Uesugi-san was the one who took the picture even. There were times when the two of them would talk to each other, perhaps he was already talking about marriage. He called my grandfather master and I'm sure grandfather liked Uesugi-san as well, so it was not uncommon to see them talking but at that time I didn't really care.

I couldn't help but feel like I had a cool face in the picture as my fingers lightly tread across the frame.

Next to it is a photo of Uesugi-san in a tuxedo and that girl in a wedding dress. There was also a photo of Raiha-chan, Uesugi-san's father, and my own. The face of my expressionless fathers against their smiling ones is slightly funny.

And, on a shelf lined up with DVDs and CDS, a place where one would put a prominent photo, there a was wedding photo placed.

I don't remember memories of hat day. Even if I tried my hardest to smile, I couldn't smile at all. Everybody gave their phones to the staff at the ceremony hall to take pictures for them as substitute but I asked one of my sisters to send it later because the staff seemed too busy.

She laughed finding it odd that I was worried about such things on a day like this but I didn't let it bother me.

I also imperatively deleted the sent photos so this was the first time I've seen this picture properly.

When I look at myself in the picture, I looked like I was smiling with the same expressions as the rest of my sisters. Did I manage pull it off or maybe the others weren't smiling with their hearts into it either.

I'm a horrible person for thinking such a thing.

"Shall we eat?"

Uesugi-san's voice called out to me. The hand holding the photograph stand was wet with sweat. I put down the frame with odd difficulty, not realizing just how much power I was putting into holding it.

I'm glad it didn't break.

"Uesugi-san made it?"

"No, it was prepared beforehand."

Of course, his wife would have made something. Uesugi-san was already used to getting his food from those Tupper wear after all.

However, eating that girl's food, served in the same way she'd serve it to Uesugi-san…

I bit down my lower lip, not feeling at all hungry.

"I have beer and wine but I also have whiskey and shochu given to me by my father."

"White wine! I'll open the cork."

Anything would be fine if alcohol could take my attention away from it.

"Sure. You're strong enough to anyways."

"Please have some delicacy."

"But it's true…"

"Even if it's true, it's too rude to say to a girl."

"A girl?"

"Ah!"

The cork makes a pleasant sound as it falls out. Uesugi-san's mouth curled up, as if showing off how easy it was for him. I like this rude prank-like smile of his. When I first met him, he was still blonde.

It was only this smile that I was able to keep for myself for a while.

I puffed out my cheeks once more. It's an easy to understand complaint. Between a man who has experience and a woman who has none, it may be acceptable to call the woman a girl. What kind of expression would he have if I told him such a complaint?

As I thought of such things, a finger extended and poked one of my cheeks.

My face heated up as if it was on fire. It was just causal skinship but it is too sudden.

How unfair.

His timing is so good I can't help bit feel jealous. He's usually insensitive and has no delicacy but his timing is good in important points.

It's a total foul.

I think that's one of the factors that my other sisters are still not married.

"…!"

With eyes filled with condemnation, Uesugi-san withdrew his hand as if he was shocked. I wonder if her felt my feelings? No, there's no way he'd be aware of such things.

"Uesugi-san?"

"It's nothing. Let's eat."

He brushed the top of my head quickly like one did a golden receiver.

I couldn't help but feel like I'm being treated like a child. I'm glad that his hand touched me but I feel like I've been misled somehow

As he set the table, these thoughts resurfaced in my mind and I knew I had to make my dissatisfaction clear.

"Muu…Uesugi-san still treats me like a child."

"It seems you've gotten sharper." He laughed almost mockingly as he poured win into my glass.

His smile made me angry… but I couldn't help like it.

"You're too obvious about it!"

"You're absolutely right."

"You should really learn to get better at it."

"I'll consider it if you take off that conspicuous ribbon of yours."

"Unununu. How slimy."

Well, even the current me knows such a thing which is why I don't wear it when I go to work.

However, whenever I meet up with Uesugi-san, I make always make sur to have it on.

Because I want him to know Nakano Yotsuba's intentions have remain unchanged since our high school days.

.

Change?

Exactly what was I planning to do?

That's ridiculous.

I can't go back.

I can't start over.

.

"Let's make a toast for the time being."

"Isn't it a bit too early?" Even saying that, I lightly raised my wine glass next to Uesugi-san's.

"I wonder why it feels so good to drink in the daytime?" I drank down the wine like water probably because I felt excited.

I always drank at a pub or at a shop, today it's in his house.

My mood was already uplifted just from the different scenery and time.

No, that's not the only reason I was excited

"I agree."

He offered me another refill which I happily accepted.

"It's just my own opinion but I think the sense of immorality adds a little spice to it."

"Sense of immorality…"

How surprising…

"Do you know what that means?"

"Ah! I'm being made fun of again!"

"No, I'm saying this as a person who knows the academic abilities of you sisters."

"What are you talking about? Of course, I know what it means"

Immorality.

Yes, that was the main reason for my mood.

While his wife is gone, I'm are spending time with Uesugi-san in her place, as if we were a married couple.

How despicable have I become? How lowly and shallow can I get?

"What kind of toast is this by the way?"

I ignored the loneliness within me and decided to change the topic instead

"What do you mean?"

"Because if it's after work, then it means that I worked hard all day today. If it's at a wedding, it means congratulations. But what about today?"

"Three's a lot. We could just pray for each other's health and success. In the first place, offering sake to the gods and the dead done in religious rituals."

"N-no, for now, do you want to celebrate Uesugi-san's unchanging marriage?"

A lie.

A lie that came from my heart.

A lie that made me nausea from saying it.

"That's a bit too much for me. If so, then, I'll celebrate the same unwavering bond you Nakano sisters share as well as for your continued health."

"Why are you saying that now?"

"It's not like you had a fight, right?"

"Yes but.."

It's not like I've seen the others enough to get into a fight. It was only natural how the more we moved forward, the more separated we became.

A sound suddenly rang through the room. It seemed both Uesugi-san and I got a message at the same time.

It's surely a message from my sisters.

I thought such things as I opened the message to see a photo. Four people surrounded a birthday cake. Ichika, Nino, Miku, and Itsuki were all smiling.

"You didn't go?"

"Because it's not mandatory."

The words I spat out were so cold I didn't recognize myself in them.

"I don't think that's the same line you once said of five people who sticking together."

"Then I would have refused to come."

I spoke as if the invitation from my sisters was a job I had to refuse.

I instead wanted to go to his house. Even if it was me, he should have been able to refuse. No, his position should always be refusal.

So, I'll pass on the fault to Uesugi-san.

"If you're free to attend, you're free to not go. There's no reason to refuse."

"Then why didn't you, Uesugi-san?"

When I told him, I wanted to go to his house, I heard a gasp over his phone. It was silent for ten seconds but he eventually said that I could stay for a few hours.

Did you not expect such a thing? Or maybe you were already expecting it?

He didn't refuse when I said I wanted to go over so I made that my own excuse.

Did he do the same?

"Uesugi-san would be lonely by himself, right?"

I can't help but be a little condescending.

It almost feels like we've accomplices.

"Is the child me or you?"

"Shi Shi Shi…it's good either way, right? Children should get along with each other."

Adults can be adults while the children should just play with each other.

It's fun to make secret mischief. Even if people would get angry at us later, such things will be forgotten while we're still enjoying it.

One can say that such ignorance comes from the lack of foresight from a child, but I like a child's ability to transform the excitement in doing naughty things into something fun.

.

"In addition, it's because I wanted to spend my birthday with Uesugi-san."

.

If that's the case, then it's fine if we remain kids.

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**TN: Chapter 3 done.**

**No, The wife is a sister. I believe there are hints here and there but I'll leave it up to you to believe who it is.**


	4. I didn't know Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて****series is owned by FOOO****嘉 **

A person who only thought about others over themselves…

A kind person who was honest to everyone...

A person who chose the happiness of others over their own…

Hey, please tell me.

On that day, when I gave you a symbol of happiness…

At that time, when I glanced at your face…

Why were you crying?

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"Ahhh! It feels so good!"

My joints creaked as I stretched myself fully immersed in the hot water. My body that had been weathered down from all the studying for my entrance exams can finally loosen up.

"This place is amazing."

I wasn't over-exaggerating. The place had large public baths and open-air ones, several kinds of bedrock baths, and a rest area with reclining seats, just to name a few of its features. It even had a net cafe stocked with a ton of manga and magazines. On top of that, there were quite a few popular restaurants that served within.

"I remember really liking this place the last time visited."

"Yeah, I heard from Uesugi-san. You had trouble leaving, right?"

"Onii-chan was sleeping the whole time."

Even though we had come all the way to celebrate my high school entrance, Onii-chan should have had more awareness as an older brother to entertain his sister. Instead, he just fell asleep in the bathhouse. At the time, the other man of the Uesugi- household had also become indisposed as he decided to enjoy some sake at a restaurant earlier.

"That's Uesugi-san, all right."

"Haha."

We both laughed together.

For the longest time, I've only had one brother but then one day I suddenly had five sisters. However, they weren't related by blood and, strictly speaking, only one of them was my actual sister-in-law. Onii-chan married one of them and we've been in close-contact since high school.

My dour Onii-chan would never have normally met with such five beauties but, due to a part time job, they all became close and then he somehow married one of them.

"We should have brought Uesugi-san along too."

Yotsuba-san massaged her shoulders, looking disappointed.

When I thought about her stiff shoulders, my eyes naturally went down to the two big mountains floating in the bath. When I was in elementary school, I must have seen them when we had entered a hot spring together but I felt like they're even bigger than the ones in my memories.

If Yotsuba-san was like that since high school then I had to wonder if there was any hope left for me because I know I won't see any mountains if I looked down.

"I'm sure you if had invited Uesugi-san he would have joined."

"But even if I bring Onii-chan, all he'll do is complain. Or he'll just fall asleep."

"Well, that's right."

"I also invited Itsuki-san but it seems she's been busy at work."

It seemed being a teacher was harder than it looked. Onii-chan is one as well so I knew there's a lot more work than they let students think.

"Uesugi-san also said something about Itsuki doing too much work."

That was certainly possible. Itsuki-san was clumsy but she's a serious worker even if she sometimes made mistakes along the way. Among the five sisters, I've always gotten along with Itsuki-san and Yotsuba-san the best. Itsuki-san's more of an older sister to me while Yotsuba-san's a good friend I can go out, eat, and play together.

When I was younger, it made me nervous to be around such beautiful girls but it was with Yotsuba-san that I could whole-heartedly relax and go out as a friend.

"I don't think it's convincing for Onii-chan to say such things when he's a workaholic himself."

"Hm."

Yotsuba-san laughed a light "Shi shi shi", her eyes looking down.

"Even so, Raiha-chan is a university student now."

"I'm not as good at studying as Onii-chan but it's a decent school."

"Don't put yourself down. Even though you didn't go to a prep school, you still got on the the nation-wide student's recommendation list. Uesugi-san was crying so hard because his cute little sister had grown up."

"Eh? There's no way Onii-chan cried."

Certainly, he was a bit of a sis-con, but it be too much even for him to start crying.

.

"Well, do you want to try drinking sake later? Although, I wonder if it's a bit too early for you. Uesugi-san may get angry."

"You don't need to treat me like a younger sister."

When I was still in elementary school, Onii-chan was overprotective but he didn't care about who I went out with or played with. Of course, he still got worried about what time I'd come back.

"Raiha-chan is around that age. I'm can't help but be worried."

"Ehh, dad's nosy enough. He's always asking 'Do you have a boyfriend?' "

"It's because Uesugi-san knows high school girls are incomprehensible creatures."

"Is he uneasy because he had a hard time dealing with five of those creatures?"

"Who's a creature?!"

"I wonder…"

"Shi Shi Shi."

"Shi Shi Shi."

I covered my mouth as I laughed. Onii-chan often told me that when I laugh, I looked like Yotsuba-san. Yotsuba-san often showed her teeth when she laughed whenever we went out together so I must have picked it up. Of course, I didn't take it as an insult, instead, I felt happy.

Every time someone said we looked like sisters when we laughed together, I felt glad that we're thought of as such. It's also feels nice to be called the sister of a beautiful woman like Yotsuba-san.

Speaking of which...

"You've really grown out your hair, Yotsuba-san."

"Hm?"

Yotsuba-san looked back, picking at her hair with her fingers.

When Onii-chan was still in university, Yotsuba-san cut her hair much like Ichika-san's old style. At that time, I was surprised how suitable it was to Yotsuba-san, the one who was the best in sports among the sisters. Well, a beauty is still a beauty, no matter how you cut it, I suppose.

Actually, since Yotsuba-san's face matched with the other sisters, they all normally wore different hairstyles from each other. In a way, that meant that any of the sisters would look good in anything too.

It's actually quite envious that they didn't need to cut their hair and be horrified enough to glare at the mirror because you know you'd look good in it just by looking at your other sisters. Back when I first met all of them, I still didn't know about the situation so I thought there were four other Itsuki-sans.

Yotsuba-san, whose hair now reached up to her lower back, had the color of an adult woman.

"Doesn't it bother you when you're at work?

"It's fine because I tie it up."

Being an instructor at a gym, Yotsuba-san's body was quite fit. Since we often wemt out together, I learned from her that the most important part of maintaining your body shape is being able to move around every day.

Honestly, it's quite enviable.

I heard that the sisters would sometimes stand-in from each other but now (I'm sorry) I think that I'd be able to distinguish her even if she was replaced by Itsuki-san.

Unrelated but I remembered how Itsuki-san consulted Yotsuba-san on some weight losing tips.

Following that, I also remembered how Itsuki-san's weight had then gone up because she started eating more after she exercised.

"Being an instructor is cool."

I've visited the gym Yotsuba-san worked at before and I remembered how cool she looked, brightly teaching and giving advice to people. Much different from the usual innocent and pure Yotsuba-san.

"I wonder if I should have thought about my course more carefully."

"I think the course you took fits Raiha-chan well."

"I wonder… I was worried about it so I consulted Onii-chan than decided to go to university and pass the exams. I thought that was the right answer."

I allowed myself to submerge up till my nose, allowing my mouth to make bubbles in the hot water.

"Are you feeling anxious."

"Um…I'm anxious but Itsuki-san, Ichika-san, and Yotsuba-san already knew their paths in high school. Ichika-san was already an actress in high school so I wonder if I could have chosen something like that."

I intended to base my path on various things such as my grades and our household's budget but, in the end, I'm worried if it really was okay.

"It's fine!"

Surprisingly, hot water was splashed on my face. I stare up at Yotsuba-san who had a mischievous smile.

"Don't worry about it so much. Raiha-chan still has a lot of time to think about it. If things go wrong, it's just a matter of fixing things."

"Fixing..?"

"Uesugi-san told me before. If you make a mistake, you just need to review what happened so you don't make a mistake the next time. If you make a mistake again, then review that one too so you don't make it again. You just have to keep going until you get the right answer."

Because it came from Onii-chan, I couldn't help but feel like it was a very shamelessly prideful and arrogant statement.

"That sounds like Onii-chan, alright."

"Yup."

I'm sure the [Onii-chan] I knew was different from the [Onii-chan] Yotsuba-san knew as a tutor.

One day, Onii-chan suddenly started studying as if his life depended on it. Back then, he didn't know how to solve anything or do any of the problems. I still remember the tears in his eyes and how he tore the textbooks with how frustrated he got.

Because I knew of such an Onii-chan, those words Yotsuba-san repeated were more convincing.

"Uesugi-san is a strong, wise, and kind person."

I thought it's too high a compliment. It did seem that Yotsuba-san overestimated Onii-chan too much or maybe she's just the type of person he spoiled.

"I wonder if Onii-chan got it right."

Such words suddenly left my lips before I had realized. Was it because I was thinking about the right answer or was it because I remembered the Onii-chan of the past?

"I wonder if it was right that he got married."

Or was it because, right now, it was only Yotsuba-san and I?

"…what do you mean?"

Even without looking at Yotsuba-san's face, I immediately understood that she'd have a strange expression and puzzlement in her voice. It wouldn't be good ruin my relationship with Yotsuba-san so I immediately tried to explain myself.

"Well, the first thing I will say is that it's not like I was against the marriage or thought she was disgusting or something. It's not like that!"

To be honest, it really sounded like an excuse. I was still a bit panicked.

"Onii-chan married early, didn't he? They dated in university and then they were just married."

After he graduated from university, he got married, started working, and then settled down. The time when he was dating to getting married was almost as long as my stay in middle schooler. It felt like a blink of an eye.

"Both of them were capable enough in carrying out such a decision," replied Yotsuba san

Speaking of which, Yotsuba-san once told me with a wry smile how all the sisters were alike. The person who started dating first than became a goal. It was like the last episode of an old shoujo manga. A straight line to happy ending.

Of course, even before they started going out, twists and turns that I didn't know about could also have happened.

"Yes. Onii-chan's very strong at being decisive and taking action but he's really bad at being idle. He's very self-centered."

"I guess so."

Yotsuba-san is truly a person who can't tell lies.

"Because he is self-centered and has no friends, he's bad at interpersonal communication. This meant that he had very little experience with people which led to him becoming insensitive."

Even when I was in elementary school, I was better than he was. In that sense, his experience fell lower than little all the way to the negatives.

"He has friends! Like me!"

"You were in the same high school. He was also your private tutor."

If he didn't have such a job, there's no way Onii-chan could have made friends with such beautiful girls. I mean, it's possible that he'd have graduated from high school without having spoken a word to another person.

"That's why he was even reluctant to admit who his first love was even though I pointed it out many times in elementary school."

"First love…"

The cheeks of Yotsuba-san dye red and not just because of the hot water.

Onii-chan's student and his classmate.

The girl in the photo who made him begin to study.

The person he met in Kyoto.

.

My brother's first love.

.

"It's hard for me to imagine that kind of Onii-chan getting married so quickly. I just...I hope he knew what hr was doing..."

" You can't believe it?"

"To be honest, I can't help but worry for him."

"It's okay."

My cheek transmitted a soft, warm feeling of skin not my own. I then noted that my head was being hugged.

"Raiha-chan is a person who is much more attuned to the feelings of others than she realizes because she reads them properly. Uesugi-san is a person who always moves towards the right answer."

I looked up at Yotsuba-san's gentle face.

"I…"

"Yeah…"

"It would have been nice if Yotsuba-san became my sister-in-law. Even now, I still think that."

I had once imagined calling Yotsuba-san 'Onee-chan' in the future.

"I would have been very happy if Yotsuba-san became Onii-chan's wife."

Yotsuba-san may be referred to as a sister because she's a relative but she's only the sister of a relative, not a sister-in-law.

Of course, who Onii-chan marries is up to him. However, maybe inside I was still not completely convinced.

If I had heard such a childish selfishness from someone else, I'd have been disgusted.

"Me as Uesugi-san's wife? There's no way that'd happen."

It wasn't like Yotsuba-san…such a rough voice.

"I can't be such a thing."

She narrowed her eyes, her gaze far-off. I didn't know what she was looking at or, maybe, who she was looking at.

The side portrait of her face was breathtakingly beautiful but it was like a flower that had been beaten down by the rain. Somehow, I felt pain in my own chest so I dipped my face in the water to trick myself that I wasn't crying.

Honestly, I felt like beating up my brother.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"It would have been nice if Yotsuba-san became my sister-in-law. Even now, I still think that."

Raiha-chan laughed sadly.

"I would have been very happy if Yotsuba-san became Onii-chan's wife."

Please don't say that.

"Me as Uesugi-san's wife?"

I can't say such a thing.

"There's no way that'd happen."

Such a cunning woman as Uesugi-san's wife?

"I can't be such a thing."

No matter how much I'd wish for it, I'll never be forgiven.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Ahhh! It feels so good!"

Like a cat, Raiha-chan's back curved as she stretched her body. I couldn't help but feel an odd warmth seeing how her legs and arms have grown so long.

"This place is amazing."

Today, we were celebrating Raiha-chan passing her university exams. At first, we thought of going to a shop Itsuki recommended. However, she remembered a super public bath that was an hour away by car. It was a place heavily featured on TV commercials too.

"I remember really liking this place the last time visited."

There was something I heard form Uesugi-san.

"I don't know the point in spending so much time just taking a bath." It seemed someone like him who preferred studying had all day didn't understand the point of immersing one self in hot springs or entering a bedrock bath to relax for the day.

Uesugi-san should really learn to relax more. I can't help but think of him as a workaholic when he brought some of his work to my place last week. His gleeful expression as he thought up hard questions for the upcoming final exam would have traumatized any of his students. Anyone who knew he was humming making such questions would have been more anxious taking it.

"But even if I bring Onii-chan, all he'll do is complain. Or he'll just fall asleep."

Correct.

"I also invited Itsuki-san but it seems she's been busy at work."

"Uesugi-san also said something about Itsuki doing too much work."

"I don't think it's convincing for Onii-chan to say such things when he's a workaholic himself."

"Hm."

What face would I make if he came over to my house and asked me for a lap pillow. What would I say if he told me he wanted to rely on me?

Of course, I don't say such things.

"Even so, Raiha-chan is a university student now."

The little girl had truly grown up. If Ichika heard such a thing, she may have laughed at how she was now an "oba-san".

"I'm not as good at studying as Onii-chan but it's a decent school."

"Don't put yourself down. Even though you didn't go to a prep school, you still got on the the nation-wide student's recommendation list. Uesugi-san was crying so hard because his cute little sister had grown up."

"Eh? There's no way Onii-chan cried."

.

"Well, do you want to try drinking sake later? Although, I wonder if it's a bit too early for you. Uesugi-san may get angry."

I knew how much Uesugi-san cared about his sister. We sisters have all seen it.

Even till now, there was one thing that weighed on Uesugi-san's mind.

Was it correct that he went to university?

He was hesitant. If he went to school, he'd have less money to give to his family. However, if he started working immediately after high school, he could have a more stable source of income compared to just part time jobs that could go to his sister.

If he pursued higher education, he'd have more options or he'd start an unavoidable career path by caring for his family's finances.

It took our sisters' desperate (crying and angry) persuasion, his dad's fists, and Raiha-chan's crying (possibly the decisive hit?) for Uesugi-san to choose the path he truly wanted. It was ironic that it was us sisters' academic progress and undecisive futures that helped him find his true calling, as well.

Well, with his abilities, he didn't even need to study for the exams and could get into any school in Japan. In fact, he continues his duties as our tutor all the way until the entrance examination.

I couldn't help but think that Uesugi-san was amazing, after all.

"You don't need to treat me like a younger sister."

"Raiha-chan is around that age. I'm can't help but be worried."

"Ehh, dad's nosy enough. He's always asking 'Do you have a boyfriend?' "

"It's because Uesugi-san knows high school girls are incomprehensible creatures."

"Is he uneasy because he had a hard time dealing with five of those creatures?"

"Who's a creature?!"

"I wonder…"

"Shi Shi Shi."

"Shi Shi Shi."

I looked at her laughing face.

I wonder when did people start saying we looked like sisters when we laughed together? For me, who only knew sisters that were born on the same day, I'm happy to be told that such similarities could be made with someone that didn't share my face. Honestly, it feels nice.

It wouldn't be a lie to say I'd make Raiha-chan my sister even if I had to falsify the family register.

"You've really grown out your hair, Yotsuba-san."

Once, I cut my hair when I was in university.

It was even shorter than my usual cut so my sisters were quite surprised. They all asked why but I just vaguely laughed it off and tried to change the topic. There was no reason to give an explanation nor was there a good reason to say such things.

It was much like when I cut it when we transferred school.

I just so happened to have only morning classes.

I just so happened to have no appointments for lunch.

I just so happened to walk past a hair salon.

It just so happened to be the day I heard from Uesugi-san that he started dating.

As the sounds of the scissors of the beautician reached my ears, I remembered how people said a girl cutting her hair was a sign of a broken heart.

I watched my hair fall under my feet.

I couldn't help but stare at the hair that was the same color as my sister's own own that was scattered on the gray porcelain tiles.

When Uesugi-san saw my new cut, he was surprised. I thought it felt good for a moment but immediately regretted it.

I was upset what he had done to me. He had crushed my heart. I cut my hair because I wanted him to see that. It was very shallow of me to do so.

It was same as showing your wounds to friend.

After showing him such scars, I wonder what I wanted from Uesugi-san?

.

"I wonder if it was right that he got married."

"…what do you mean?"

Her words froze me for a moment.

"Onii-chan married early, didn't he? They dated in university and then they were just married."

I know.

"Yes. Onii-chan's very strong at being decisive and taking action but he's really bad at being idle. He's very self-centered."

I know.

"You were in the same high school. He was also your private tutor."

I know.

"That's why he was even reluctant to admit who his first love was even though I pointed it out many times in elementary school."

My cheeks grew hot. Just hearing it was embarrassing.

I knew who that girl in question was. Such a thing was said the person in question.

That child I met in Kyoto was also my first love.

That meant…

"To be honest, I can't help but worry for him."

Raiha-chan's a really kind girl.

She really loved her brother which how much she worried over him.

One couldn't help but worry for family because we're all connected by blood and have always watched one another throughout our lives.

It's natural because you didn't want them to get hurt.

You didn't want to see tears of regret or despair.

"It's okay."

Therefore, I needed to reassure this younger sister who worried over her brother's feelings for him.

"Raiha-chan is a person who is much more attuned to the feelings of others than she realizes because she reads them properly."

Your brother is much nicer and mature than you think.

He's mean.

He's stubborn

He's boorish.

He's timid.

He's clumsy.

For five stupid and troublesome girls, he was able to melt their hearts and take them out of their narrow world.

Your brother is a truly strong, wise, kind-hearted person.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

With the closing ceremony over, today is a day-off for me. I even already finished writing up the surprise quiz for when winter vacation ends so it's been a while since I've had such free time.

On days like this, I sued to read text books, reference books, and so on. When I became a tutor for the Nakano sisters, I started making my own exercises.

I would have liked to bring some of my work at home but, even if I wanted to do it, my wife would scold me.

Currently, I'm reading a book of paintings that my wife owned. Because of her work, It's not a lie to say that my wife had deep knowledge of art.

"What about sunflowers in a vase?"

Van Gough.

Vincent Willem van Gogh

March 30, 1853. A Dutch post-impressionist artist."

One of his most famous works, Sunflowers, he's produced seven times.

When I was in middle school, I was reading up his works of art for a test and had to think that such a sad life too much a price for being well known.

He never got recognized until he the later years of his life, or more accurately, after his death. He was the kind of person, I felt, who attracted unhappiness. I thought that such people would make others those around them unhappy.

I don't have any sentimental feelings on the matter but it still felt impossible to enjoy such a thing now. I've only ever opened art materials for purposes other than studying.

In the first place, I've never really been one for museum tours.

Rather than an image that showed an impression of beautiful or wonderful colors, the distorted images of the sunflowers that sat in the vase could be said to overlap with the artist's own sad life. Such a thing looked alien to me.

Some of the sunflowers in the painting were morbidly swollen and withering. They were far different from the fresh houseplants found in Yotsuba's room.

I took a sip of the hot tea I laid by the windowsill. To read, I have to move the chairs of the table next to the window. This way I can read books with sunlight while placing my glass by the windowsill.

After all, I don't' feel quite comfortable reading a book while lying on the sofa. I may have been because I grew up sitting on tatami mats to study or using the library's hard chairs to read.

.

My wife would often recommend me a novel (especially romance) but they're not usually my type. I don't intend to make insult fiction like I did in the past however I'm can't be moved by the love created by another person. It may just be my wife's idea tor her tasteless and frugal husband to pick up a hobby or even pressure to learn more about women from such things.

"Stay a good boy."

Like speaking to a child, my wife kissed my cheek as she left for work. It's something I wouldn't have been able to imagine when we had first met.

That is also the case with all of my wife's sisters, as well.

Other than that person. I'm not going to say anything about it now but I had really been saved.

With my family's finances in mind, I wasn't going to ever quit my tutoring job but even so there is still a big difference between 4/5 and 5/5 uncooperative sisters.

The more time I thought about it, the more my mind wandered. Instead of contemplating a clear subject, I can't help but remember something unrelated.

.

There was a place on the riverbed overgrown with clovers.

It was because I saw the Yotsuba and Raiha that I stopped a place I would normally have just passed by.

When I saw how similar their smiles were as they searched, I couldn't help but feel jealous. Then when pointed such a thing out, they only smiled more. But because they were smiling with such child-like happiness, it was hard to maintain my envy.

I then notified the other sisters that I'd be late and to study on their own for a while.

Yotsuba and Raiha stared at me as if I was an alien.

You see, if the sun goes down and it gets too late, I'll be too worried about Raiha returning home and so the study time of you idiots will increase even further.

There was no time to be looking for a four-leaf clover and you shouldn't waste a single minute when exams were coming up.

Luckily, I didn't need to worry about such entrance exam worries unlike everyone else.

So based on such rational judgment, I decided to help them out

And when I told them that, they just laughed out loud.

I was embarrassed and angry but I had no choice to bear with the heat on my face because I couldn't take such words back anymore

So, two idiots that looked for such a thing increased to three.

.

"Here it is!"

Yotsuba suddenly yelled.

With a smile on her face, she held out a four-leaf clover in her hand.

I had no reason to look for it or have such a thing but when I silently received it, her smile on her face bloomed like a flower.

Innocent with a face dirtied with soil.

A smile bathed red by the sunset.

When I saw the four-lead clover in my hand along with her smile, the back of my eyes turned hot.

.

A broken clover.

.

A clover that had been uprooted to give someone happiness.

.

Your smile.

.

It was pretty yet also lonely.

A smile that was like a flower. Bathed in the sun, it was a smile of a flower blooming gorgeously.

It was a flower that bloomed on the cliff. Something, I would never have noticed or ever become aware of, that flowers could bloom in such a place.

However, it also looked like a flower that grew even being exposed to harsh winds and icy rain.

It was a terribly arrogant thought, to push such sad implications on a person.

I couldn't face such a smile directly

.

The sudden sound of my phone surprised me.

Looking out the window, the sun had already set. If I check the time, it would definitely be past five o'clock.

I clicked my tongue.

It's against my principal to waste so much time thinking without gaining anything from it.

The message was from Yotsuba.

She wrote that they're coming back from the super public bath and wondered if Raiha could stay at her place today.

I checked my watch again. It's still early for my wife to head back home so I quickly tapped the top number on my call history.

.

It seemed my annoyance had already disappeared.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Maybe, the fatigue of the exam had finally caught up to her."

"Well, I hope she loosened up than."

Raiha-chan was already dozing off in the car as we headed back to my apartment and she fell completely asleep just as I was preparing our drinks.

Softly breathing, her head laid her on my lap as I gently stroked her hair. Her long locks was soft like any other girl's but compared to my sisters' it was more similar to Uesugi-san's. They were brother and sister after all.

"I see...I guess she had a lot of worries too."

"Don't worry. It's not Uesugi-san's fault."

Anyone would be nervous when taking their entrance exam. It'd be rare for someone to have confidence to say something like anything less than first place wouldn't be enough for them.

"Was it a bad day-off then?" He said, almost mockingly, with a laugh of someone filled with confidence.

I couldn't help but feel that he'd really grown up.

It's hard to believe you're the same person I met who couldn't even apologize obediatnly. Well, even at that time, how you were clumsy, shy, yet blunt was something I found cute.

"It's fine. I wanted to go out anyways,"

"Would you like me to pick her up over there?"

"Ah, don't worry. We originally planned to just stay here at home."

"I see."

The voice across the telephone sounded disappointed.

"That's…is that just an excuse to come over to my house?"

Was it only me who wanted to hear such a thing?

I hope not.

"Huh?"

"Shi Shi Shi. Too bad!"

How disappointing. I really wanted you to come.

Even so, just hearing Uesugi-san's voice by my ear was comfortable.

"My father will think she's with a boy when Raiha doesn't come back tonight. He's going to get worried."

"Isn't it the same for Uesugi-san?"

"I'm annoyed that I can't deny that."

"It can't be helped. She's about that age."

It's fun talking with Uesugi-san.

"Uesugi-san was off today too, no? Did you do anything?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Well, it's not like you really did nothing, right?"

"I really didn't do anything. My work was finished. It was a waste of time."

"You should move your body around then! You have a long day off."

"Why do I have to be tired during my resting time? I need to rest."

"That's why you don't have any physical strength."

"It's better than it used to be! Probably…"

I'd like to meet him directly, of course, but I don't mind talking to him while listening to his voice next to my ear.

Whether it's jokes, talks, or any trivial exchange of words, it fills my heart with the feeling that I'm alone with him even though he is far away.

It's only for a moment though.

"Maybe, you should come over to the gym where I work next time."

"Hmm…well, this sort of thing is also needed."

"Right!?"

"I'll consider it, if you're willing to support me."

"Of course! We have a special curriculum set!"

"If there's no problems, I'll ask for you the next time you're at work."

Even if you can't move after, you could stay at my place, so it's okay.

Wait.

If that happened, I'll have to take him back to Uesugi-san's house. His wife will be waiting for him, after all.

I knew I'm not supposed to get involved.

"It seems Uesugi-san is a still person who always moves towards the right answer."

Unlike me.

It's different from myself who knows she's wrong but can't turn back.

I know.

I truly know.

I truly know but…

"Then I'm relying on you, Yotsuba."

Please don't call me with such a kind voice.

"Then I'll take care of it right away."

I want to know…

"It's good that you're taking care of others but you should rest yourself. Or else you're going to get overwhelmed."

Because I truly don't know anymore.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**TN: This one was…tough. Some of the flow wasn't there so some changes had to be done. That being said, there's a lot of repetition in this fic chapter that can easily be overlooked. The first part also could refer to multiple people, not just what the text showed.**


	5. Goodbye is still far

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

School is closed during summer and winter break.

In high school, I spent such time studying or working part-time jobs. When I entered university, I spent less time on such things and more on the thing called "friendship".

Of course, as all things so, with friendship also came expenses. Although most of my family's debt had been settled in high school, it was always still necessary to make money.

"Everyone looks to be having so much fun! It's so exciting."

"They're all just messing around with each other, aren't' they?"

"Typical Uesugi-san."

I looked away from a smile that didn't betray the slightest hint of cold.

Just by looking at her decked out in a Santa miniskirt outfit given by the manager chilled the bones of my body. It was definitely not because I was peeping on what laid below such a miniskirt.

Yotsuba had joined me as at my, what felt like, yearly part-time job as a Christmas cake seller.

I didn't think such a thing was necessary for her anyways but I could her respect her reasoning of "I wanted to buy things with my own money".

Even if I've done this every year, the task of selling cakes to people outside in the cold was a simple but boring one. However, this year's job passed in the blink of an eye thanks to having someone to chat with in between the gaps of work.

"Uesugi-san! Do you want to go shopping?"

When our job finally finished, Yotsuba came out of the changing room with a long yellow-green scarf wrapped around her neck. Her ribbon was also back up, something she couldn't wear over a santa hat.

If it was anyone else but her, I would have balked at such a joke. Unfortunately, I've learned just how seriously stupid she could be.

It was already 9 o'clock.

All the food would have been sold by now.

"Let's buy some chicken!"

There were definitely only a limited number of things we could purchase right now.

"It's a Christmas party!"

We did a good job.

I was tired. We were even able to sell out all our stocks of cake. Something, I hadn't been able to do for all the years I've been selling these things. Having a girl beside me dressed in a Santa outfit shouldn't have made such a difference.

I just wanted to take a hot bath then go to bed.

"We should go to XXXXXX supermarket. It should be empty at this time."

...however, there certainly was a store nearby Yotsuba's apartment.

It seemed she was also thinking of the same one as she took my hand and pulled me towards the store's direction in a hurry.

"If you want a salad, I have a good recipe. We could make it back at my place!"

"When was it decided that I go to your place in the first place?

"It's no good then?"

"It's fine. I don't have anything planned for tomorrow."

"Shi Shi Shi. Then let's go!"

Smiling and laughing, Yotsuba felt a little different than usual.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"…if you hurry too much, you'll slip."

"Okay."

Her palm gripping my hand was soft and it warmed my cold hand just a little.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey, Sensei, why don't you go out with me?"

"What, did you get in a fight with your boyfriend again?"

The student who should have been working on her print-out was twisting the ends of her hair with her fingers.

Naturally, I didn't listen to such idiotic words.

"I hate kids. Older men really are better, ne?"

"Wasn't he a university student."

"College kids are still kids after all."

"Is that the reason for your supplementary lesson?"

"Hai hai."

She lazily looked over her shoulder, clearly uninterested in the paper before her.

I wonder how much service overtime pay I'll end getting from this girl who could only have become addicted to supplementary lessons with how often she got them.

"When did you fight?"

"Yesterday."

"You got stupid after the test then."

Unfortunately, her supplementary lessons were not the boyfriend's fault. Even the past me, who rejected romance, would be able to see that such temporary factors had no effect to something so constant.

That fact made me sigh.

"I got into a fight with my boyfriend, had to go to school on Christmas, take refresher lessons and now a quiz. I have to wonder if I did something wrong to deserve all of this."

If you asked me what was wrong, it was that the test results were bad.

If you asked me what you did wrong, it was because you didn't pass.

"I'm so sad that I can't study at all. So please warm up the heart of this cute student!"

Such an ugly temptation gave me more fatigue than excitement.

"You shouldn't make such careless remarks."

"Are you going to give me a sermon? Like 'Cherish yourself more'?"

"It's more for my own social life."

"It's okay if you don't get caught!"

I have no intention to entrust all of my social life to a student to have such a low sense of danger that she'd calmly try to tempt a teacher while being tutored in the staff room.

If there's a teacher who would come to school on such a day, they should be working seriously.

"If you have enough time to say such stupid things to a married person, you have enough time to work on your studies."

While flapping her feet in the air, she turned back to the print-outs. I took the opportunity to check my phone for any messages.

There was one new.

[Merry Christmas!]

[What happened]

[It's Christmas!]

[You're a bit too excited]

[How is Uesugi-san not excited? Christmas is Christmas!]

[Don't just say it over and over]

[I'm at work because of some idiot. I don't feel any excitement]

[Poor Uesugi-san…]

[Aren't you the same?]

[Ah! That's right. I'm also working～(/□≦､)!』

It seems that there were also people who wanted to move their bodies on Christmas day which is said to be a night of sex for couples. Well, it's also cheap with a membership fee.

This health-oriented trend shouldn't be made fun of however as the increase of people interested in it meant more work for Yotsuba.

"Hey sensei, what are you grinning about?"

"I'm not."

"I saw it just now! It's was a nice smile."

I wanted to retort that it was her who was the one grinning at the moment but such words would just be wind at this point. Instead I stretched my back against my chair's backrest.

We're not even halfway done at this point.

"Ah, I give up. I guess I can't do this."

"Why do you sound so convinced?"

"I'm more interested in the wife of Uesugi-sensei."

"Ha?"

Did she just say wife? I looked down at what she had currently written down on her print out:

_It's Christmas. Your wife is preparing a feast for you and waiting for you at home, right? Come back soon, a__-na-ta~.__ Or is it perhaps a dinner at a hotel after a date?_

I can't help but be irritated at the cheeky grin on her face as I looked back up.

In the first place, it's not my fault a student had to study at school in Christmas. If she had gotten a decent score, then we could have both easily stayed at home. However, the scenario she imagined isn't true as my wife is also at work anyways.

Do students not realize that when Christmas lands on a weekday, most people still have to go to work?

"I head that Sensei's wife is cute. Hey, don't you have any pictures? Show me, ne?"

"Why? You're wrong here."

The answer was wrong and all she had written were less than forty words.

It's a problem when the question asks for at least eighty words and it becomes a genuine mistake when a person couldn't even write half of it.

Even for the nicer graders, an answer that lacked the minimum word count would be given half points.

Of course, because I'm kind, I gave an [X].

"Well, let me see! If you don't, it'll get in the way of my studying."

"There are too many other facts that you should fix first."

What about the concentration and focus you showed in your club activities?

Well, there's no other way than.

As a teacher, it is important to restore the motivation of the students so they could work on their studies rather than waste time on things they can't do anything about.

I showed the wallpaper of my smartphone without hesitation.

"Oh, they're all cute…don't all five have the same face?

"My wife is a quintuplet."

It was a picture taken at the inn owned by my wife's late mother last year.

"Wah, they're all beautiful…everyone has big boobs too! And, isn't that Nakano Ichika-chan!"

"It's just as you said."

Of course, it's a completely private picture so she didn't bother with her usual disguise. On top of that, I had forgotten such a high-profile actress would be well known among high school girls. Hopefully, it wouldn't end up too troublesome.

"Hey, show me more pictures!"

"Study."

Show me more. Just a little more…"

"Hm…"

I displayed more appropriate pictures from my phone's gallery.

This one was a photo of all of us when we had a party for Raiha passing her university exam.

"Oh, thank you. Who's this girl? A mistress of Sensei?"

"I'll smack you."

Certainly, Raiha wasn't a little girl anymore but a mature girl where one could easily glimpse the beautiful woman she would grow into. However, it is unforgivable to call my little sister the mistress of anyone, especially myself.

"Nihihi. Just a joke. She's Sensei's sister then? You're both similar. Wow, their faces really are the same even though all their hairstyles were different from before."

"My wife and her sisters."

"Hmm~ So this is sensei's wife?"

Brightly colored nails pecked the screen

"…wrong. C'mon, let's continue."

"Hai~"

We've wasted enough time. I couldn't relax too much or the sun would set soon.

We're only halfway done

.

"You're really bad at this."

"I'm real not good at this, right? I'm just writing down the things that I want to say clearly but then I need to come back to say more stuff."

It feels like we're writing a novel on word at a time.

"A lot of problems can be solved if you simply look at how the sentence is presented in the examination."

"I want coffee."

"Oy."

"I'll make for you too, sensei."

"Oy."

"Do you want sugar?

"Two cubes."

"Milk?"

"None."

As it was normal to review lesson plans inside a pod of the staff room, instant coffee was always ready on standby. As if handling a trusted secret mission, she brought over two steaming mugs.

I let my mug rest by the table for the moment.

"Isn't sensei's taste a bit childish? Kihihi!"

"Only a child would think adults only drank their coffee black."

The bitterness of instant coffee is at the level of a weapon. True adults have the ability to push themselves away from danger without overdoing it.

Now, questions such as "Write what the author thought of this scene" and "Write within eighty characters what the author wanted to covey through this story" what do think is the answer? Are we able to ask the author?"

"I dunnow."

"I'm sure the author himself doesn't actually think that way."

As a writer, I would take great pride in seeing each person's perspective or take on what I've written.

"Right?"

"Roughly speaking, the answer to the current question is to derive it from the greatest common divisor."

"That's a bit…lame."

"Well, it is often that the interpretation that the majority of people will have will be thought of as the most educational and thematic "correct" answer."

Of course, I don't intend to say that in front of other teachers.

They'll only think such an answer could come from a guy with an annoying selfishness or a guy who couldn't read the air. Of course, the former is known but I try to minimize the latter.

"In other words, you should read the air and write it as your answer."

"It's strange when Sensei is the one who says it."

"I just don't want to read it, is all."

Regardless of my high school days, I've at least gained some social awareness a social cogwheel. Just the bare minimum required for working people.

"Isn't that something only people with Communication Disorder say…but somehow I understand."

"That's fine."

"I understand well enough that such thoughts shouldn't be reflected in everyday life."

"What a shame. It's a new year so I thought I'd try to give you all less homework. It hurts my heart that I'll have to triple it."

I have all of winter break to consider whether I should give a level of challenge to the students or not. I have to become a demon because their current hardships will become their food for the future.

It can't be helped.

It's nothing personal.

"Sensei, I really love you. As expected, adult men are attentive!"

"I'll just double it. Let's hurry this up."

"Hii...!"

Still, as I looked at the answer sheet filled with X's, I couldn't

"Hmm…"

"What?"

"You don't use your eraser that much. You don't have that many questions where you rewrote the answer

"Because that's what I think is right. If I think that's the right answer, is there something I can do about it if it turned out to be a mistake? So, I just let what I feel is right decide."

"Are you an animal? Don't rely on instincts but your knowledge. How did you get into this school?"

Back entrance examination? No, she's not rich unlike those five. I do recall she's part of a middle-class family.

"Don't rely on your intuition too much. You can't always rely on it."

"You always tell me to believe in myself."

"I'm telling you to believe in the accumulation of your studying. There are a lot of factors that can create mistakes such as skipping the problem statement, misunderstanding the choice, and so on. Carefully tackle the problem than review your answer. But, apparently, that's only up to 30 points in your case."

"I don't have time to review."

"It's an evidence of your lack of basic academic skills."

"I'm sure sensei has always had perfect scores. You don't make mistakes because you're so careful and solid, after all."

"It's true that I get perfect scores but I also make mistakes. It's necessary to revise and repeat and repeat and revise. After all, learning is simply repetition. Don't you take foundation training seriously first in your club before you're allowed to be at the front?"

"If you don't have foundation, you can't do anything."

"Make use of that to your studying. It's like how you train your motor nerves when you're doing sports."

"I see. I see. I understand."

"Just look at me. I've definitely accumulated all of my knowledge and I've come to the right answer in choosing my beautiful wife from her sisters."

"You're too much of a love brain, Sensei. Well, just from this topic, I can't get any work done…"

I'm amazed at the sudden change in the flow of conversation. It seemed that it was still too difficult to determine what a girl her age is thinking.

"Because you're boasting about your hot wife and sisters-in-law to a high school girl who just had a fight with her boyfriend!"

"You were the one who asked…"

Was it wrong to show the picture?

"Also, Sensei, can I ask you one thing?"

"What?"

"A little while ago, when I guessed which was your wife in the picture…"

"Yes?"

"What was up with your reaction?"

"It was just a strange pick. You were close though."

My wife was right next to me in the picture.

Nevertheless, it was not my wife that this student pointed to.

"Oh, but that person was really close to Sensei. Are you sure she isn't Sensei's wife?"

What she pointed out,

"Let's go back to work. I won't be able to go back until you're finished."

"Ah! So I was right?"

It was Yotsuba smiling behind, her hands on my shoulder.

* * *

**TN: I actually quite like Uesugi-sensei. I mean, in real life he'd be pretty awful, But in anime land he's pretty amusing.**


	6. Goodbye Footsteps

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original サヨナラを教えて series is owned by FOOO嘉**

* * *

After entering university, I tried to find some part time jobs. More specifically, ones that let me move around as I'm bad at keeping still.

Finding one at a florist shop was perfect for me.

I liked flowers plus I didn't mind doing any heavy lifting. The only trouble I found was that my hands would get wrinkled and rough because I often watered the plants. Thankfully, I was recommended some hand cream to remedy it.

The shop was nearby the university Uesugi-san was attending so sometimes he'd show up even if flowers and Uesugi-san were not exactly, the best combination. In fact, I don't even recall him buying any flowers too often.

When I thought about why Uesugi-san visited so frequently, I came to a single answer. However, such an answer was too presumptuous or convenient for me so I tried to ignore it. When I asked everyone else, Nino said "Fuu-kun likes to spoil Yotsuba" while everyone else grinned while nodding so perhaps the overly convenient answer was, after all, the current one.

I'm wasn't sure that was what Uesugi-san felt though.

I didn't have any confidence in such thoughts but I was sure if any answer that didn't match my initial ones was the right one. Well, even if I thought about such things, there was no way to confirm it.

"Did you come to see if I was working properly?"

I couldn't ask such a question because it would have been too embarrassing.

If it was Ichika or Nino, they may have said it in a friendly way or, if I was Miku, she may have thought of it as sweet. If it was Itsuki, she would have purely asked without any self-awareness.

However, I'm not my sisters. I'm not smart, I'm not the type to be spoiled, and I'm a bit of a coward.

The only thing I can do whenever Uesugi-san passes by is to skip work at that moment. I could only so my best to avoid asking, "Why do you always come over?"

Whenever my part-time job ended early, I'd go out to eat with Uesugi-san.

It's natural for university students that had no money to not eat too much. I received an allowance from father, but when I remembered the trouble I caused during high school, I had a hard time using it. So, it was common for Uesugi-san and I to buy a cheap dinner and go to each other's houses to eat a lot of rice.

There was one such day where Nino caught the flu.

Both of our part-time jobs ended at the same time so it was time for us to eat some miso-simmered udon noodles mixed with green onion, chicken, and shiitake back at my apartment.

It wasn't important that Nino was sick.

She had told us about it on the LINE group between us sisters and I also knew that Miku, who lived the closest to her (rather, they shared the same apartment complex) would go over to nurse her.

What was important was that Nino's place position at the café she worked at was currently vacant. Ordinarily, there would be people willing to fill in. However, as it was Christmas, most of the employees weren't willing to sub. Even if they'd make money, they weren't willing to work on such a special night.

I asked if I could fill in and Uesugi-san nodded with a noodle of udon on his face.

I knew it was only because my sister was suffering from the flu so I was a heartless and disgusting little girl who thought herself lucky. However, even if it was just a part-time job, spending time with Uesugi-san on Christmas was too much of a hope-less temptation.

As I was apologizing to my sister in my head, I noticed that I was already selling cakes in a Santa Outfit next to Uesugi-san on Christmas day.

"Everyone looks to be having so much fun! It's so exciting."

"They're all just messing around with each other, aren't' they?"

"Typical Uesugi-san."

Uesugi-san the couples that passed but, in truth, I was the one who felt like I was messing around. More couples passed and, while it would be a lie to say I wasn't jealous, I still thought it was better being with the boy I couldn't confess to under the cold rather than spending Christmas by myself.

It was definitely worth it to sell cakes while occasionally chatting.

Actually, the most important part was not walking with a boy on Christmas but what came after. I definitely didn't say that as I'd then be told such things didn't fit me.

We talked about different things. How school was boring, strangers that came to our part-time jobs, that the price of vegetables was too high, how I accidentally bought a ribbon with the same pattern, about Uesugi-san's other friends. We laughed at how Ichika was able to get a role as an intellectual teacher in a recent drama.

.

The job passed in no time.

It was much easier than I heard it would be and I was paid generously by the store manager while Uesugi-san had a face like he swallowed something bitter.

After changing my clothes, I was given two cakes and checked the clock. It was still half-past nine. If I leave, I'll be able to return home around ten. I had money. I had cake. I was able to talk a lot with Uesugi-san and filled in for Nino.

I'd be happy to return home with no complaints, water my plants, take a bath, and finish the day in perfect form.

"Uesugi-san! Do you want to go shopping?"

Even then, I tugged at Uesugi-san's black scarf. His face pretty much said "What the hell are you saying?"

Indeed. What was I saying?

"Let's buy some chicken! It's a Christmas party!"

What was I talking about? All the shops were closed. Christmas was almost over so there would be no chicken left. Also, what…Christmas party? Suddenly dropping such a suggestion on Uesugi-san would be nothing but trouble. Why don't I even think properly? It's always like this. I'm almost crying with how much I hate myself right now.

Uesugi-san checked the clock. Surely, he must have been thinking how could Yotsuba think of such a thing and was preparing a sermon.

"We should go to XXXXXX supermarket. It should be empty at this time."

After a long sigh, Uesugi-san suddenly mentioned the name of a supermarket near my apartment. He said so as his eyebrows crinkled together.

You're not leaving?

My face felt like it did when I was about to cry, as if my feelings were all about to boil over at once. Was I really as genki as everyone called me?

Filled with joy, I took hold of Uesugi-san's hand and pulled hurriedly ahead of him. It was embarrassing to feel the warmth in my own transfer over to his. It was more embarrassing when we shared the same temperature but I couldn't let go without calling Uesugi-san's attention

We held hands until we arrived at the supermarket.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

[It's finally over!]

[Good work]

[Are your students finished too?]

[Somewhat. The idiot got tired]

After cleaning up the studio and checking my messages, I laughed louder than usual. It was clear how he cared even through such cold words. He hadn't really changed since his days as a tutor. He was a person who worked sincerely without holding back, after all.

Just a little bit, I felt jealous for his students.

[What are you doing now?]

[I'm choosing a reference book that even a monkey could understand]

[You're as dishonest as ever…]

[Leave me alone.]

[Fufufu]

I placed my phone down so I could change out of my work clothes.

I didn't want to be late.

.

It was a bookstore he always frequented. I stood close to Uesugi-san who was reading a reference book with a serious face. Even when I was within arm's distance, he still hadn't noticed.

"Ue~su~gi~san!"

"Oh."

When he finally raised his face, he immediately returned the reference book in his hand back to the shelf. It was much like a high school student who had been caught reading something naughty. I'm sure he thought I was teasing him.

The mood we had was quite out of place from the tense air of students studying around us.

"You won't buy it?"

"I've decided to recommend it."

He didn't say how long he's been waiting.

I didn't ask how long I'd kept him waiting.

Of course, we didn't decide on meeting so there was no set meeting time.

We only met after work to eat out together because it was convenient for the both of us.

That's the rule we made.

**.**

When we left the bookstore, the winter night felt cold to my skin. I could even see my own white breath melting away in the air. The illumination by the sights around us…just looking at it made me know it was Christmas. I didn't have the feeling at all until we I got her.

Thus, it was only after walking with Uesugi-san that I realized it was Christmas today.

"Let's go home after some shopping."

After saying a natural invitation to go to my place, I couldn't help but feel like an alien substance had just rolled off my tongue. I felt like they were words mixed in with other things. It was natural for me to say "home" because that was my apartment but my heart still rustled at the sound.

I don't' even know what I'm doing anymore.

When I stole a glance at Uesugi-san walking next to me, there was no reaction. Maybe, I should just pretend not to care?

"Alcohol?"

"There's still some left over but it may not be enough."

Uesugi-san asked as he took hold of my jacket and bag in one hand. It seemed that he had grown up with how casually such care came compared to how he used to be. At the same time, when I thought how he only did this because he was used to doing it to another woman, my mood couldn't help but sink.

I may be a bit unstable, to be honest.

"You want to buy some cake?"

"Do you have any reserved?"

He didn't answer, playing with his bangs. Such an easy-to-understand gesture was cute.

"Then should we buy some chicken?"

"Of course!"

"Hoh?"

When I saw Uesugi-san's grin, I immediately knew what he wanted to say.

"I don't think people count Chicken wings when they buy refer to a Christmas chicken."

"Chicken meat is chicken!"

"Kukukuku…"

Uesugi-san's shoulders shook as he laughed.

That day when we had gone shopping after returning from our part-time job, there was nothing in the supermarket as expected. The only thing we got were chicken wings with a half-price sticker attached.

For the time being, chicken was chicken, and it seemed my figure of throwing the chicken wings into our basket had was unexpectedly funny for him. It was unusual enough to see him smile.

Even though there were no customers, I didn't like being laughed at in the supermarket. I thought I would really kick him but seeing his innocent laughing face made me stupid too and felt that it was something I could bear with.

In the end, he at least showed some regret when I forced him to carry a bulging shopping bag full of leeks and chicken wings but I'm sure it still wasn't enough.

Even now, a few years later, he still liked teasing me about it.

"It's delicious isn't it!"

"Well, it's delicious for Christmas chicken wings."

"The soy milk hot pot is also good for the body."

"Collagen is also good for beauty too…pfft…hahaha."

"Mou! I'm not making it than!"

I turned my back to him

Of course, I knew that Uesugi-san wasn't that serious.

So, I just pretend to be angry.

A silly, kid-friendly exchange like this is so much fun and soothing.

It felt like we returned to those university days…before Uesugi-san started dating.

I fully recollected such emotions.

It was good way of getting rid of any guilty feelings.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Nnnn…."

When I pinched Yotsuba's sleeping cheeks as she slept, I couldn't help but laugh. Her sleeping face was sloppier and goofier than when she was awake.

It was much too defenseless so I couldn't help but smile.

Was this really the face of a woman in her mid-twenties?

"Your pace is always fast as usual."

Today, I watched her sleeping face.

.

On that same day a few years back, when we returned from our part-time jobs, the supermarket should have had all their products fully picked off as a hunting ground for vultures and hyenas. At the very least, there were leeks, good for protection against colds, which I threw into the basket.

It then that Yotsuba came back, looking like a puppy who wanted praise after successfully catching a thrown ball.

It was funny how instead of a chicken, she only had wings.

A Christmas party with no decorations and no chicken.

Only wings.

Just looking at how proud she looked, I couldn't help but laugh.

.

The hotpot was made from soy milk, chicken wings, green onions, ginger, and a few other things. It was delicious, more than I thought earlier, and it was warm enough to spread over my body that had been exposed to the cold for countless hours

It might have just been the sense of accomplishment at a job well done or maybe just the excitement of Christmas.

Anyone from my family, even myself, would have been surprised to see me laughing as I held a bowl and watched TV, something I didn't really do,

Raiha might have thought her brother's head had finally gotten a screw loose from all the studying I did.

Anyways, I'm sure I wasn't my usual self that day.

.

Much like now.

That's why I've been watching Yotsuba's sleeping face, cheeks red as she happily smiled like an idiot. I should have gone to sleep quickly, as well, or put a blanket over her so she wouldn't catch a cold and then leave as quietly as I could.

Yet I kept watching the sloppy, goofy, sleeping face of Yotsuba as I drank tea.

"You can't be a kid forever…"

If I thought about it, it had been a long time now.

From the time I started tutoring, our distance was already close. She was always careless and defenseless.

No, I've always been aware since we first we met in Kyoto. She'd always been like this. She'd get into people's hearts without permission and shake it up.

I was overcome by thoughts of how I was an unnecessary person and there just was no space within me for my loneliness, left to be forgotten.

Student.

My wife's sister.

Close friend.

First love.

She's gentle, innocent, unchanging.

I don't know what I want to do,

But all I know is that I want to cherish this.

I'm sure of it.

"You shouldn't be so defenseless…"

I gently brushed a strand of hair off her cheek with my fingertip.

A hand reached up to overlap with my own that had touched her cheek.

"Only in front of Uesugi-san."

Her eyes gently opened to meet my own.

I felt myself inhale.

Yotsuba's smile was like a flower blooming before me.

A smile as enchanting as sweet honey floated towards my lips.

My face approached, unthinking, to draw out such sweetness.

.

I felt a gentle touch on my cheek.

A soft sound that gently beat against my eardrum.

What kind of sound was this?

A warm sound.

A cherished sound.

What was this sound?

"You shouldn't be so defenseless…"

It wasn't a sound but a voice.

A warm voice.

A cherished voice.

My favorite voice.

Whose voice?

It's that person's voice.

The voice of the person I loved.

.

This was surely a dream.

It's fluffy, warm, and comfortable.

Besides, the way this important person touched me was so gentle that I wanted to cry.

It was too convenient. Too sweet and convenient for me so this must be a dream.

"Only in front of Uesugi-san."

If this was a dream, then there was no point in being shy.

I see. Uesugi-san's face was in a position where he was right before my eyes.

What a wonderful dream.

I shouldn't allow myself to be overwhelmed by a dream that's too good to be true although I still don't want to wake up.

Because it's a dream, I don't have to be shy. There's no need to hold back.

I brought my face closer to Uesugi-san's face so I could surrender to this floating sensation.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

It was only after several seconds that I realized that this was not a dream

* * *

**TN: What the fuck is Fuutarou's problem with Chicken wings? I mean, yeah they're different from a whole chicken but it still sorta counts.**


	7. Even if there is a Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて****series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

"Welcome Back!"

My wife was already returned when I got home.

She's watching TV while eating the leftover steamed chicken, cucumber salad, and broccoli mushroom stir-fry from yesterday.

It was already around 11 o'clock.

She had come back faster than expected. I had thought she wouldn't be back until tomorrow. I swallowed my the usual "I'm back" and tried to be natural when I replied.

"You're back early."

"It was a fun Christmas."

My wife laughed happily, knowing she worked hard and was able to finish work early.

Since I told her I was going to a year-end party with my colleagues, I won't be snooped on my later arrival.

She waved her chopsticks as I made me took of my coat and placed down my bag. I placed the cake I had brought home with me in the fridge while taking out that new tea she had gotten addicted to recently.

I'd always wanted to tell her that it had an aftertaste reminiscent of toothpaste but I knew that was just foolish to do. However, it was perfect for washing away the taste of alcohol in my mouth.

"Pour some for me too."

"Sure."

I poured some tea into my wife's mug and sat down next to her.

I wasn't too familiar with the program playing on the television, one that was different from what I normally saw. They were sisters but they had different preferences.

"The bath's still hot."

"Oh, thank you."

It was something I had expected seeing as my wife was in her sleepwear and not wearing any make-up.

Actually, I wouldn't have minded taking a shower if the bathwater wasn't hot anymore. However, my wife can't relax unless she's fully immersed in a bathtub.

It would make it easier for me when I clean the bathroom but I don't really have the right to say bring up such concerns as she's already responsible for doing majority of the housework including cooking.

Little gratitude with an obedient attitude. Those were the words told to me that were the key to keep a marriage going. It came a fellow teacher who was now on his 40th anniversary with his wife.

"What did you eat?"

"Boiled chicken wings?"

That and cake. I don't mention the cake as I felt my wife would have liked it.

"What? You could have eaten something more Christmas-y."

She giggled happily. That must have made her feel better that her husband had finally attended a year-end party instead of staying here with her.

I only needed to look in the refrigerator for proof.

"I've already seasoned the chicken; do you want to bake it now?"

She's in a good mood.

"No need to push yourself when you're tired already. Let's enjoy it tomorrow."

Brushing my wife's head, I brought my empty cup to the sink along with the plate had eaten with.

"I bought a cake. You want to cut it now? Or tomorrow?" I asked over the counter as I washed my cup. After a little hesitation, she replied.

"Tomorrow. I want to eat it together."

I'm sure she's worried about keeping her weight in-check.

"Right. So, will we be spending a leisurely day with just the two of us tomorrow?

As I placed the newly washed plate on the drainer and wiped my hands, I felt a slight glance. If I looked, I'm sure my wife's gaze had shifted away from the television onto myself.

"Fufufu…"

"What?"

"I'm just appy to have such a good husband."

"I just washed the dishes. You're overreacting."

"It's because I can't imagine that kind of care from the old you."

"It's because you've trained me for a long time now."

"That's right."

My wife smiled as she took a sip from her glass of wine. I glanced at her wine-soaked lips. For a moment, their smiles overlapped and I had to stifle my breath.

"Hey, can we take a bath together?"

"Didn't you just take one."

"Can't I have one more if it's with Fuutarou?"

"Don't increase the laundry so needlessly. I'm going to take a bath."

"Mu."

I left the living room, stroking the head of my childish wife.

.

Immersed in the bathtub, a sigh unexpectedly leaked from my lips.

I closed my mind and let the water melt away the fatigue from the core of my body.

I don't know if I had done the right thing in response to my wife but, whatever the case, I wasn't in the mood to be intimate.

It's not that I was bothered by her but that I didn't feel like I could remain calm next to ser.

"I'm the worst…"

I muttered to myself.

I already knew I was the worst kind of garbage out there.

It's not just bad that I kissed another woman even though I'm already married, but it's even much worse that I had hidden it so casually.

And it's the absolute worst to remember that woman's lips when looking at my wife's own.

.

I can't say which side had brought their face closer.

It is true that while watching Yotsuba's sleeping face, I had moved my own closer but it did feel like, thinking it was a dream, Yotsuba had moved her face closer as well.

It may be just my own selfish interpretation, something convient for me.

The possibility was higher.

That's what I thought.

Or was that what I wanted to think?

The only sure thing was that we had exchanged plenty of kisses.

When we touched, it ran through my spine and my whole body shook. Every time she kissed me, I noticed Yotsuba slowly waking from her dream to reality.

I knew, at some point, she had fully woken up.

Maybe, I should have stopped there.

It's just a theory. Just trivial logic.

I could say anything after the fact.

I could blame my own drunkenness.

Even though I knew I should stop, I couldn't.

Even though I knew I should stop, I didn't.

I couldn't resist, I didn't, and, it's probably the same for Yotsuba as well

It was unbearably pleasant.

Even though it was just the touches of our lips, it was a terrifying pleasure.

Was my self-control much weaker than I hoped for or was I just attacked by a pleasure that was too strong to fight against?

Either way, I succumbed to that pleasure. It's naïve of me to think I couldn't call up even a moment's of resistance to it.

.

It was an accident.

I was drunk.

A demon made me do it.

.

Such excuses won't erase that we had exchanged kisses over and over.

The only reason I pulled back was not because I was driven by guilt or that my control had returned, but because I needed to exhale, my body asking for oxygen. It was purely natural instinct.

When I had checked the watch, it had only been five minutes.

The only other person I could compare it to was my wife. I couldn't say if that was short or long but I could remember the regret.

It was fortunate we were interrupted even if it was some animalistic reason like breathing.

Because, with the regret, also came a sense of danger.

A premonition of fear that I feelings of guilt and fear would not be able to hold me back anymore if I continued.

Yotsuba's teary eyes looking up at me convinced me of such feelings.

I don't remember much what happened after that but I remember being told that I should head back.

I left Yotsuba's apartment wanting to escape as Yotsuba saw me of, as usual.

As if she could recover by doing such a thing.

Her smile was something it looked like she had forced herself to pick up and painfully connect together. I couldn't help but be angry at myself for creating such a thing.

"I'm the worst."

Once more, a sigh left my mouth.

The absolute worst that couldn't do anything but want to kiss Yotsuba.

I dived into the hot water. I closed my eyes and shook my head but behind my eyelids was an awkward smile, red-stained cheeks, and eyes that looked up at me.

It floated along but didn't disappear.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"I'm the worst."

I kissed Uesugi-san today.

It wasn't an accident. I can't make any excuses like how a demon made me do it.

It was myself who kissed him

I thought it was a dream so I stole his lips without hesitation. As long as I could have thought of it as a dream, my choice would have always been the same.

After all, such a desire still lurked within me.

I truly am the worst.

Uesugi-san is not only married to someone but he is an important person to her. A person that I had kissed.

Bit the worst thing was not the kissing.

Worst was that I didn't feel any guilt as I much as I was afraid.

When I had been overwhelmed by guilt, I thought that I wouldn't be able to do anything.

However, I turned on the bath, took of my clothes, turned on the washing machine, brushed my teeth, and then took a bath in a with a fragrant smell.

And, when I remembered how we kissed, instead of thinking words of apologies to his wife, I couldn't help but think,

"it felt so good…"

When I felt his touch, heat spread throughout my body.

I tried to touch my lips.

Kiss.

An act that I 've seen many times in anime and movies. I know it was a very wonderful and important act but I didn't think it'd actually feel so good.

I ignored my breathing as I kissed Uesugi-san over again and again.

I couldn't help but be fascinated by the act of simply touching lips.

What would have happened if I slipped my tongue in?

I'm sure he would have stopped.

And if he didn't?

I wasn't a child so I didn't even have to think about it.

I had no adult experience but even I knew such things.

.

"I…want to do it again…"

,

My eyes widened in surprise when I heard such words echo throughout my bathroom.

What was I talking about?

I got out of the bathtub, switched the water, and took the showerhead.

"Stupid! What am I thinking! Stupid!" I threw abuse and demeaned myself multiple times. I yelled as louly as I could.

I splashed water harshly on my body

I needed to let go of such ridiculous thoughts that floated within the heat in my body. However, the fire that spread all over my body didn't come out at all.

When I closed my eyes, I saw it clearly.

Uesugi-san's face overlooking me.

His cheeks were read and he had a gentle look on his face as if he was treating a lovely broken object.

There's no way I could forget such a thing.

"Uesugi-san…"

My cheeks grew hot which made me realize that I was crying.

They were neither happy tears nor sad tears.

I couldn't fool anyone anymore.

"Uesugi-san…I love you…"

The feelings that had been continuously searching for an exit grew too much to fit within me and overflowed.

I felt like there was no turning back.

* * *

**TN: I'm pretty sure that wasn't a masturbation euphemism.**


	8. Wishing for a Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

I couldn't stop smiling.

In front of me, the person I loved stuffed the cake I made into his mouth.

It's an amazing feeling to have the person you liked eat food you made.

Of course, I've been cooking for my sisters for a long time now and that too made me happy when I saw how they all enjoyed it. But there will always be something different between family and your favorite person.

"Well?"

"Oh, it's delicious."

Fuu-kun nodded while chewing the piece in his mouth. It was a surly and blunt compliment but one I knew wasn't a lie compared to the smiling faces others other men would say. I had asked the manager if I could rent the kitchen to taste test some prototypes and he allowed it.

I also didn't have a shift today so I could take my time.

Abuse of power? Of course.

"Hey! Don't just say the same thing every time!

"Then don't ask someone with a poor palette to do this."

His slightly sulking face was unbearably cute. There were also occasions when he would show a face like a naughty child which I also found exciting. Gap Moe.

"If you want constructive criticism, there's someone who is better than me."

"Itsuki is no good." Fuu-kun spoke up, not hiding his intentions at all. Well, Itsuki was also a well-known reviewer so it's not like she wasn't entirely suitable but… "Well, her stomach's gotten big lately."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"So, it's finally happened..."

"Yes, finally…"

Unless you're into sports like Yotsuba or go on a daily jogging routine like Ichika than it goes without saying that, once you graduate high school the opportunities to move your body around drastically decreases. She may not have realized it but I'm sure Itsuki was grateful for those Physical education classes.

"I think it would be better if she stopped her stress eating, or at least, eating as a hobby."

"That's what I told her, as well."

During exam periods, when chances to exercise decreased in favor of studying, things became too dangerous. She ate to regain the energies for the body. She ate to relieve the stress accumulated from studying. Then she ate to take a break from studying.

Everyone had faces going "That's dangerous…"

"Did she finally realize it?"

"Different. She knows but she tries to ignore it."

It's not like she hasn't made her own efforts through sit-ups and yoga.

However, in the end, it's simple mathematics. By subtracting the calories used to the calories consumed, you can lose weight if the difference is negative and then gain if it's positive. If you did a few sit-ups and an hour of yoga, eat five cups of rice, and lost weight, every girl in the world would be angry.

"That's no good at all then."

"That's why you're here, Fuu-kun."

"I'm your drug tester than."

"Excuse me! There's no drugs in that!"

"Hm…"

"I don't have any!"

I knew that he still skeptically looked at cups of tea when I served it. Now, I couldn't help but feel slight regret for doing something like that. Even if the past me was right in doing so, the current me is just as right for wanting to slap her for doing such a thing.

A girl could be selfish that way.

"That was forever ago."

"Its was two years ago."

"It's already been two years ago."

"If you had doubled the amount, I'd be completely knocked out."

"The second time was your fault because you had no sense of crisis, Fuu-kun."

The truth was even though he was smart he was also a dumbass.

"Oy, that's the same kind of thinking a molester has blaming his victim for wearing a short skirt."

"Well if you're so worried, I can give you my sleeping pills. I know you're a good man that can be trusted."

"And how do I benefit from that?"

"You can make love to me when I'm asleep."

As for me, I'm open to anything.

"That's not a benefit, at all. That's definitely more a lose than a win."

"Aren't I the one who is going to lose something?

"What are you going to…ah, don't answer that."

"Like my chastity."

"You didn't have to tell me, did you? I've thought about this for a while but you really need to hold back more."

"There are no breaks in love."

"So barbaric…"

"I'm just joking..."

"It wasn't funny."

"I'll be staying awake during the first time, of course."

"Are you kidding with me?"

"…"

"Oy."

My dream was to be Princess carried to a bed while being gently kissed by my prince. It is in such situations that I've had delusions involving Fuu-kun several times.

"Here, try eating this."

I passed another cake to Fuu-kun who gave it a quick look over. It was a pound cake topped with plenty of oranges. I was pretty confident in it.

He stared at it blandly before turning back to me.

"I'm the only one here. Call the others."

"Everybody's busy."

"Don't talk for other people so leisurely."

"Well, Itsuki goes without saying. Ichika is away on shoot while Miku and Yotsuba are at their part time jobs.

In truth, I chose a bad day for everyone. I didn't want them to get in the way.

Our time alone together was valuable to me as Fuu-kun's part time job was now over since we graduated from high school and went to different courses. After all, I should have spent more time with him back then. In hindsight, I may have been lucky enough that we ended up friends without being disliked. Then again, it's exactly because of such things that I fell for him in the first place…

"If it's Yotsuba, she'll be leaving early today so she could come over if I call her right now."

My thought flow was interrupted by the name he spoke of…

"Why do you know that?"

I knew about Yotsuba's part-time job through our LINE group but haven't heard about what he was talking about. Unexpectedly, a sharp voice came out when I asked.

"She told me yesterday."

"What."

"We had hot pot at her place yesterday. It was when you switched shifts."

What was he talking about?

At home? Him? He was in Yotsuba's room?

"What the hell!"

The back of my chest grew hot and I yelled in a loud voice.

"What happened?"

The fire grew even hotter as I noticed how he tilted his head, confused. It was a reaction that was different from someone with a crush or was embarrassed.

The heat felt like mushy magma.

"What were you doing at Yotsuba's house?"

"Hot pot."

"Was anyone else there?"

"No."

"Ha!?"

Wait a second. Did that mean they were alone?

"Why are you getting angry?"

"Are you saying I shouldn't be angry!?"

Holding up a fork, he looked at me with questioning eyes.

I knew that Yotsuba and Fuu-kun often met. It was because their universities were close to each other. That's why I've heard that they would eat out if they had the time.

To be honest, I'm very jealous of such a situation but I knew that Yotsuba had also been the first to favor him and they were just good friends. Unlike me, who I thought was natural for Fuu-kun to be kind to Yotsuba who accepted him from the beginning.

The cheerful and honest Yotsuba who followed Fuutarou much like a puppy and who he treated as such. Even though we were jealous of it, we all accepted that they were close friends and had a brother and sister relationship.

Because we all loved Yotsuba.

Although,

"Oh, this taste is something Yotsuba would like."

I felt the bottom of my stomach simmering from the words that leaked out of Fuu-kun's mouth as he ate the orange pound cake.

Are you spending time with him just by chance?

Did you spend so much time with him he thought of it as natural?

.

My favorite Yotsuba. My cute little sister.

Even though it was Yotsuba, I thought at that moment…

.

What a…

* * *

Wednesday. 2 p.m.

Because it's early afternoon on a weekday, the shops were still sparse of people.

The sunshine from the window of the cafe felt warm on my skin and, on most occasions, I would probably have fallen asleep immediately.

Right now, I didn't feel sleepy at all.

"Did you need to wear that?"

What he pointed to was the black hair that reached to my waist thanks to the wig I had on. Equipped with glasses, it was the perfect disguise. And yet, Fuutarou-kun only gave me a stinking look.

I sighed.

I thought he had become more mature and cooler but it seemed he still didn't understand a girl's heart. We can't usually meet up, right? Now that we have some time alone together, you should know I didn't want to be disturbed. You can guess what I'm feeling, can't you, Fuutarou-kun?

I had to wonder if it was still too difficult for him.

He's super excellent at his academics but when it came to girls her was inferior to most first graders.

"I'm a pretty popular actress, right?"

"That's right. You put on a great show, Tamako-chan."

"Cho!"

Kuuu…I glared at him as he chucked to himself.

However, I already knew that he wasn't the type to be easily frightened by a girl. He's been like that since all the way back, a boy who treated girls calmly or with a hint of mischief.

"Yes, it's been a while since you've died, hasn't it?"

"What are you saying?"

Even till now, he still teased about how I made my debut.

I was still a beautiful and intelligent older sister character, right? I had a lot of female fans too. I'm often told that they wanted to be an actress because of me.

"Intellectual…that's a real lie there." he muttered to himself while drinking a cafe au lait with plenty of sugar.

"Are you calling me an idiot, Fuutarou-kun?"

"What can I say? I'm really impressed. My stupid idiot student who was so stupid she dropped out of high school, went on to admirably pursue her dream, and now can is acting smart."

In the end, he said something awful. Well, I did cause him a bit of trouble at the time. Just a little.

I purposefully turned away with a distanced look in my eyes.

"You're right, I'm an idiot! I'm really an idiot after all! Onee-chan is starting to cry!"

"Stop that! You're going to make a scandal!"

"I've been doing my best serving you since high school and now you're throwing me away!?"

"Wasn't I the one helping you sisters?"

"After you've played with my body? Even though on the trip, I was treated like a mistress, called a liar, and then thrown away like garbage."

I bought him everything he wanted, fed him a lot of meals, and yet he threw me away like a rag. It may be a bit too much of a story but I found it acceptable.

"Stop twisting the facts. Also, I already apologized for that, didn't I?"

Of course, I remembered it well.

That I met him in Kyoto seven years ago wasn't a lie. Even now, I can clearly remember how he apologized sincerely for it. For Fuutarou-kun, playing together cards that night was a precious memory, as well. Knowing that, it was hard for me to endure holding back.

"Ahh. I'm going to cry in front of the press."

"Don't throw away your life as an actress."

"If that happens, I'll have you take responsibility."

"I can only make a guess so I'll ask you once. Responsibility meaning…"

"Permanent employment."

I was too shy to tell Fuutarou-kun to make me his bride.

Of course, the meaning was the same, but it's different actually saying it.

"As expected…"

"I'm going to then become a full-time housewife. You can get a job, right?"

I really wanted to become a highly sought-after actress, earn a lot, and give him a life that he didn't have to be as reckless and workaholic as he used to be. But if he became a hard-working employee, I'm sure Fuutarou-kun will surely work as hard as he could for me.

Just needed to be careful he didn't work too hard or his cute wife will need to give him a massage after he comes home tired.

"You shouldn't put so much pressure on a freshman in university…in the first place, let's show a little more regret before leaving the actress industry."

"It's a matter of priority."

"Isn't your top priority becoming an actress?"

"What do you think?"

I leaned my head and looked upwards. It was a pose I often did when shooting for magazines that was said to be the angle I looked the most beautiful.

Fuutarou-kun turned his eyes away while playing with his bangs. Fufufu, how shy.

"Don't return a question with a question."

"'It's because I'll then say something that's obvious."

What was my first priority?

To become an actress is my dream, of course, but if Fuutarou-kun wanted to marry me, and he said he didn't want me kissing or hugging other men in movies, than I didn't mind quitting.

"I don't think you've changed…I thought you grew up."

"Hmm~ Where were you looking at when you thought that I had grown up? Can you tell One-san?"

"You old man. I was talking about your acting. I saw you as that teacher in a movie the other day."

As I was trying to lean forward so he could peek at my chest that had grown since high school, I got hit by an unexpected counter.

"...Fufufu~ You're watching me."

He wasn't the type to be interested in movies or dramas at all. That meant he went out of his way to watch it on purpose to see me. I'm sorry, but I'm very happy.

My face felt hot and years of being an actress didn't help the muscles on my face go dumb. It was a loose face not meant for an actress.

"Yotsuba was even crying."

The heat pulled back in an instant.

"...Yotsuba?"

"She started sniffling in the middle of the story. I couldn't do anything but lend her a handkerchief to for that idiot's nose."

Fuutarou-kun spoke of her like a child who needed handholding. His smile looked troubled yet happy.

"You went to see it with Yotsuba?"

"Ah."

I knew Yotsuba and Fuutarou-kun had been meeting since they became university students. I also knew they ate together often because their universities were close-by. Such a topic appeared in the LINE group, and as I was the one who had the hardest time meeting him the most among my sisters, it made me very jealous.

"No matter what role you're in, we'd buy a movie ticket and check out the drama."

"Yeah…"

Yotsuba was spending too much time with Fuutarou-kun.

That's right, they're friends. They've been friends for a long time. Of course, we all knew that Yotsuba was the first girl who met Fuutarou back in Kyoto. That's why when Fuutarou appeared as a tutor, she was the only sister among us who was friendly to him from the beginning.

Yotsuba has also been helped by Fuutarou-kun in many things outside of studying. He was something more than a friend or a partner. Because Yotsuba was bright and pure, Fuutarou-kun also immediately allowed her into his mind. We sisters also thought the same about her.

Because we all loved Yotsuba.

"That girl really doesn't change."

"…"

.

But in front of Fuutarou-kun who happily talked about Yotsuba

Even though it was my favorite Yotsuba, I thought at that moment…

.

What a…

* * *

You took too much time answering this."

"I was thinking hard."

I thought that I had gotten used to it in high school but it was still embarrassing to find an answer sheet marked full of x's. However, other concerns filled my mind such as how I smelled sweaty or how my hair was messy how when he whispered our shoulders touched. It wasn't even possible to think whether my face was hot because of embarrassment or something else.

"I told you. First, you need to be able to get through all of it in time. If a part is taking a while, then you can come back to it later."

His low sweet voice passed through my ear and sent shivers down my back. I endured the feeling of twisting from him.

Since we're at the library, one must refrain from speaking loudly after all. Compared to a high school library, the public one required us to keep our voices as quiet as possible. So, naturally, he could only talk to me by sitting shoulder to shoulder and whispering.

Therefore, such a thing couldn't be helped.

"If I don't read it properly first, I won't be able to decide if it will take a long time to answer or not."

"That's already time consuming enough for you. You should take a note from Ichika. Yotsuba…never mind. Just read up the point that matters."

His words sent a wave of nostalgia through my chest. He had only been our tutor until last year. It would be a lie to say that this sort of distance between us wasn't common at the time. I couldn't help but be impressed at my past self who was able to work hard on her studies if her heart had been beating back then as badly as mine did now.

I needed to concentrate

I met up with Uesugi-kun for the first time in a while so that I could ask some help in my studies. It would be a waste of time if I didn't spend it meaningfully. Plus, it'd be rude to him, as well, who I asked help from.

I gathered back focus and put my attention on the quiz he had created for me.

The focus is on problems that can't be solved within the time limit.

"I'm really not used to this."

By looking through the problem set, I worked through the problems that I could solve first and then left the ones that I couldn't do for the remaining time. I'm still not good at these sorts of simple techniques, basic knowledge that most people know and take for granted when taking a test.

When I took an exam before, I dealt with half of it with memorization thanks to Uesugi-kun's Spartan-like training. However, I struggled in taking my university exams which had more writing and short-essay questions.

If this was to be expected then it would be dangerous to earn credits as it is.

"I thought you've gotten better, but you're still the same as usual."

"How rude! I'm still growing properly!"

"Just what is?"

He gave me a reproachful glance.

"Ah, that is…"

"Kuku~"

The edges of his mouth lifted into a nasty grin.

"Ah, you laughed…you're laughing."

"Kukuku…"

I couldn't stand it as laughter started leaking out of his mouth. My face was terribly hot.

Even though it was a terrible thing to laugh at, I was oddly conscious of his laughter.

.

"You're not used to it? When you were Rena, it was normal."

It was when I met him at the park or how we talked in the department store.

We were discussing how my style of speaking sometimes switched up between my own , which I used for Rena, and the one I had grown up using, my mother's.

"It's a Yotsuba imitation."

Although I named myself Rena, I was pretending to be Yotsuba who had met Uesugi-kun in Kyoto seven years ago. I acted with such a thing in mind. Since Yotsuba changed the least when we met Uesugi-kun, I was able to pretend I was her even if I wasn't good at acting anyways.

In the first place, there was no difference between any of us at the time plus I was only working to remember myself rather than pretending to be Yotsuba.

"Is it because you were imitating your mother every day or…." Uesugi-san trailed off his next words, leaving them undecipherable.

"You said something."

"I won't say it because you'll be angry if I do."

"I won't be angry…so tell me."

"I'm not sure if it's because you imitated your mother too much or you just can't do basic language or if you're just a clumsy idiot.

"You…!" W-what a rude person! I knew that. Yes, I always knew that.

"Be quiet in the library."

"Ugh...you just wanted to call me an idiot."

"That's why I didn't want to say it."

"Absolutely…there's no other way…it can't be helped." **[Rena style of talking-Itsuki style]**

At that time, I was chasing after my mother's back. I wanted to be a woman like my mother and so I acted like her as much as I could trace in my memories. I changed the way I spoke, the way I behaved, the things I wore. Before I realized it, such a personality had become so ingrained in my body that I had to force myself to recall [past elementary me].

"There are many opportunities to use honorifics in part-time jobs." placated Uesugi-kun. Of course, mother's style of talking emphasized honorifics.

What I wanted to call my own didn't but in the end, it was still hard.

I sighed, "My path to rehabilitation is far and steep."

When I'm dressed in Rena, I have a clear sense of the act I'm playing but when I'm normally dressed such as right now, it doesn't go as well. Like I said, I'm currently in the middle of rehabilitation to "behave like myself".

"It's fine. I'm more familiar with that one anyways. It's still like you."

"My impersonation of my mother is…still like me?"

I remembered trying to be like mother and trying to live up to what I built her as in my head. When I met Uesugi-kun, I parted with the past self chasing the shadow of my mother.

That i still had trouble letting go...

"Don't sulk. You know what I meant by that..."

Of course, I understood he didn't mean it, but I still felt depressed I couldn't behave like I wanted to.

Then there was only one solution.

"If you don't tell me, I wouldn't know. Please use words."

I lightly turned away, pouting. It might be fine to spoil myself a little. He was the one who taught me that when I got depressed, I could ask him to indulge me like this.

"You definitely know what I'm talking about."

"Nope. Because I'm stupid and clumsy, if you don't say it clearly, I won't be able to get it." I emphasized each insult he threw at me, with a small twist of my body.

Uesugi-san looked troubled, and not just because my ahoge poked him.

Averting his eyes, he opened his mouth.

"…You've been working hard to become your mother for the sake of your sisters. So you don't need to rush to try to fix the way you say honorifics-So, I'm sorry."

In an expected sign of shyness, he played with his bangs. His figure, embarrassed but still trying to do his best to finish his words for my sake, how can I say it, is very cute.

I'm pleased.

"Ufufu. It seems Uesugi-kun has become quite honest."

"I'm honest enough."

"Heh~"

That was the first I've heard of it.

"I just want to say that you're the one who started it all and came over to me."

"That may be true, but you're the one had no delicacy in saying that the amount I ate made me fat, right?"

"That's right. Actually, you have no amount."

"Well, I won't deny that I do tend to eat a little bit more rice but...don't look away!"

"No, I heard from Nino. That's dangerous."

"That's why I'm doing my best!"

"Do you best…hmm."

"Where did you look just now?!"

Right now, he definitely glanced at my stomach.

The stomach who has been picked up by Nino recently!

The stomach that shouldn't be able to be picked up!

"Well, let's study."

"Hold it!"

He turned to me and sighed. It was a very familiar look that he directed whenever he thought we were idiots. It was a look that he had directed at me that often was the source of our quarreling.

Perhaps, over time, it had become something more, something he reserved only for me.

That thought made my face quite hot.

"Why don't you go running with Yotsuba from now on?"

"To go with her running, it's just too high a hurdle."

I had thought of his proposal before but running along with Yotsuba who had won a championships in high school felt like something beyond the range of jogging for diet purposes.

However, Uesugi-kun sent me another familiar look, eyes that had given up on me. It was similar to a teacher's who was about to scold a child for doing something bad.

**"There's no need to worry. You know she'll be waiting for you."**

"Is…that right?"

"I'm sure that she'll be happy to know that she can help you."

I was surprised. His voice had become very warm.

"Even today, she was worried that you would be stuck the whole day studying.

As if remembering something, his eyes narrowed and his gaze unfocused as if he was looking to a far-off distance.

"Uesugi-kun…"

He seemed to be looking at someone far away who wasn't here.

"Uesugi-kun is quite friendly with Yotsuba."

His heart was filled with kindness that was directed to someone other than me.

"What is it?"

"No…it's…nothing."

My mind was suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that his eyes were directed to Yotsuba and not to me. Even though I'm so close to him, I turned my face away from Uesugi-san whose eyes were gentle as he thought of my sister.

I already knew that Yotsuba had spent a lot of time with Uesugi-kun. It was inevitable with how we all split off how close they were to each other. I should have known there was a special bond between the two than anyone else

Still, when I thought about how Yotsuba could bring such a look out of him, I noticed that I had started biting my lips.

.

Oh, mother, I'd become a bad girl.

I wondered what I thought of Yotsuba who I cherished so much.

Although she was an important family member, even if she was an important older sister,

And yet, I thought for sure…

.

What a…

* * *

Why did you buy so much?"

"?"

"No, what are you making for dinner?"

"Yeah."

"Do you really need this many ingredients?"

With a shopping bag in one hand and Fuutarou on the other, I truly felt like a newly-married woman. We had finally gotten back to his apartment after walking side-by-ide, arms carrying grocery bags. My heart warmed at the thought and I decided that I wanted to always go shopping together after I got married.

"I want to cook a lot."

Not only dinner. I wanted to stay over if possible and, of course, also cook his breakfast and lunch for tomorrow, as well. As I wondered if I could stay overnight, I noticed Fuutarou holding different food.

What happened? I looked up to see his face twist in distress.

Surely, this was the face of a warlord who had realized how defeat was inevitable.

"Fuutarou?"

"…Am I a test subect?

"That's a horrible thing to say. I came all this way to cook dinner."

His face when I said such a thing became worse. Stop looking like you've given up.

You should know that I'm much better than before.

"I want at least something delicious."

"The hurdle Fuutarou set seems too low."

Weren't you the one who initially finished my burnt omurice and called it delicious next to Nino's? Well, I'm still grateful to your low hurdle because I've learned to enjoy cooking from it.

"Fufufu"

I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered something so nostalgic. Fuutarou still had a strange face though but I ignored it. Inspired by such memories, I decided to make omurice today.

I opened the refrigerator, the list of ingredients already at the back of my head (egg, rice) when…

"What's this?"

"Can't you see? Water."

Certainly, there were two tea bowls that looked like they were bought from a 100-yen shop on a shelf of the refrigerator door. Both contained a clear liquid. According to Fuutarou's words, that liquid was water.

"This isn't mineral water, right?"

It's an obvious question but I needed to ask.

"It'd be foolish to pay for water."

After all…a sigh left my mouth. Fuutarou was the same as usual.

No, I felt like he had gotten even worse since high school when he at least drank water from the water fountain.

"I'm just going to say this now…raw water is bad for your body so you should at least heat-."

"I don't pay for gas either."

"Mou."

You could at least put in a pack of tea.

But it's fine. The refrigerator also contained vegetables. I mean, it only contained vegetables. And it's a bit surprising, that they were all already cut up and sealed in Tupperware. They all looked to be beansprouts.

However, I was couldn't help but be slightly worried by the orange jelly sitting at the back of the refrigerator.

Ignoring the tea (tap water) that Fuutarou had left inside, I poured tea from a paper pack into two mugs and took a quick glance around Fuutarou's apartment.

In the Japanese-style room with tatami mats, there were two cushions. Television…after all, there was none. Bookshelves were stocked with school material and scholarly books. It was cute that a "Ways to be a teacher" was stuffed in between.

My gaze finally landed on a lightly folded up futon which I immediately averted.

I couldn't help but get fidgety thinking how Fuutarou slept on it. If I was alone, I might have dived into it right now and whole-heartedly inhaled the scent of Fuutarou.

"Hey, let's live together in this apartment."

"Did you come here just to say that?"

"But it was one of my objectives. Of course, I wasn't lying when I said I came to cook."

Because if you agreed, it'd be better than taking it out of the fridge. I'd serve it with a delicious cup of green tea along with the delicious hot food.

"A man and a woman who aren't lovers shouldn't share a room."

"I'd be fine being your lover. We don't need to do a room share and instead just live together. You don't need to rent that big a room."

"You've completely lost sight of your purpose coming here…"

What are you talking about?

The objective hasn't changed. The goal was to stay with Fuutarou all the time.

Becoming a lover or living together with him were means to an end.

"You didn't tell me you lived alone."

"Dad happened to find this cheap place nearby."

Originally, Fuutarou's commute was long and he mostly walked.

That's not it.

That's not what I wanted.

"You're being evasive, you know?"

"Calling me Overly-self-conscious-kun?"

"I'll have you know, this time, I'm absolutely aware of it too."

"You sisters are hurrying with your lives too quickly."

"What do you mean?"

"You all should learn to not rush things." Fuutarou rubbed his shoulder. "I don't know about love because I'd never been in love before. Besides, I've had to choose from the five best idiots out there and don't know what to tell the other party after."

"I've waited long enough."

We didn't need a reply until we graduated from high school. That was the arrangement between us sisters.

That was our request, no, order to Fuutarou at that time.

Even if he already decided on his answer, we wanted to make sure we all graduated and decided on the course we wanted to do in life.

Of course, it was completely selfish thing to do, placing him in such circumstances, however, it was also true that we weren't confident.

What if we had been rejected at the time of the entrance exam? Wouldn't it be impossible?

I, at least, had no confidence such a thing wouldn't affect me. I'm sure it would be sad. I'm sure it'd be painful, enough that you wanted to run away and hate everything.

Everyone said that I've become stronger but I'm not quite that strong yet.

"I wanted to go to university with Fuutarou."

"How stupid. It's too late now."

"If so, then I'd always be with you."

It was a heartbreaking pain just to imagine Fuutarou at university talking with a girl I didn't even know the face of. Well, even if I'm not his lover or anything, I still hated the idea of the boy I liked talking to other girls.

No, it's not like that.

I just hated that I couldn't do anything about it.

Really, I didn't like it when he's talking with the female clerk at the clothes' shop, even with the manager of the bakery.

Even if I understand it's just customer service.

I only wanted you to look at me.

I don't like you having a cup of tea with Ichika, having a part time job with Nino, or even tutoring Itsuki.

I hated that you spent time with other girls than me.

"I wish I could attend Fuutarou's school."

"That won't happen."

"But if I did…"

"Miku, while your academic abilities have improved, it's impossible that for you to go the same school as I do." Fuutarou's words were sharp. "It's because someone like you who only started properly studying in your second year. I've sacrificed everything else to get to where I am."

I knew that. Fuutarou is a clumsy and hard work who put himself headfirst into his studies at the expense of his relationships with others.

And, because of that, no one could notice the attraction of Fuutarou until he met us. There was no person who would have become his lover so I felt like it was truly fated.

Basically, it was his own effort that got him into such a high-level university and we were fortunate enough to benefit from such effort.

However, some things couldn't always be divided equally.

Some things were just couldn't be split.

**"Actually, it was Yotsuba who told me that Fuutarou was living alone."**

"Ah, that's because she's close-by. There are many opportunities for us to talk."

"Yeah."

That wasn't all.

I knew. Fuutarou and Yotsuba had always been together since they became university students.

Yotsuba also made sure to properly report to everyone and not hide Fuutarou away or made sure he didn't get close to another girl at his university.

She knew our feelings. She supported us.

But sometimes, I couldn't help but feel anxious.

The way Yotsuba would innocently embrace Fuutarou and how he would then accept her company so naturally.

I noticed it.

The tangerine jelly that was in the refrigerator since a while ago.

The orange jelly, that was vividly present in the refrigerator filled with only vegetables and tap water, was extremely distinctive.

A jelly with plenty of orange.

The same kind Yotsuba liked.

I wonder why there was jelly Yotsuba liked.

Was it something Yotsuba, who visited previously, had forgotten?

Or did he buy it for the next time Yotsuba would come over?

Which could it be?

No, both choices were fine.

No, I didn't like either.

"Miku?"

Fuutarou sent me an anxious glance.

.

What kind of face was I wearing now?

What kind of jealous face did I make for the precious sister I loved?

I couldn't help myself.

Even if I was this close to Fuutarou right now, Yotsuba had already melted into Fuutarou's daily life.

.

What a…

* * *

.

.

.

""""What a cheating bitch.""""

.

.

.

.

* * *

Suddenly, I woke up.

From the car window, I saw the clear white snow falling.

I felt cold just pressing my cheek against the window. The cool feeling was comfortable and my head lightly bobbed from the car's continuous movement.

Speaking of which, today we were heading over to grandfather's inn for the New Year Holidays. It had actually become quite a regular tradition. During New Year, the Nakano and Uesugi families would stay at the hot springs.

It was only for a couple of nights. While I was happy to meet my sisters once more, nowadays, I'm also grateful in terms of being able to heal the fatigue that came from my work.

When I thought of such a thing, I couldn't help but feel like an old lady. I'm sure if I told my husband he'd find such thoughts funny.

.

Because I had been sleeping in an uncomfortable position, the side of my neck hurt when I moved it. I then felt a weight on my left shoulder.

Looking at the head resting on, it was easy to confirm how it was my sister with how she had a sleeping face like my own.

The comfortable vibration of the car combined with life's daily fatigue must have caused her to fall asleep too.

Although, we've completely grown-up, the appearance of when we were younger came back to mind by watching her sleeping face.

I involuntarily smiled.

.

As the car continued moving along, I started to recall the dream I had.

A dream when Uesugi Fuutarou still wasn't my lover. After that stage of my life was over, tutors and students, classmates, partners, and other such relationships disappeared which left us less chance to meet. Our time together was much more valuable than when he had been teaching as our tutor and I could remember how my heart had started beating louder and louder.

I'm sure he didn't notice it.

My excitement had been at max and-.

"-san"

"Kuku,-."

"Shi shi shi."

A faint laughter cleared my still groggy mind.

I looked to the front of the car to see my husband and, one of my sisters, Yotsuba talking happily.

That's right. It was normal for the second driver to sit in the passenger seat so that the first one had someone to talk to and wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel.

At first, I had wanted to sit there but because I was sleepy due to the year end's work, I had Yotsuba fill in for me. She was the one among all of us with the best stamina plus her bright and lively personality would be the perfect companion for the boredom of any driver to stave away drowsiness.

The two were talking in a lower volume to make sure not to wake the others up.

"It's snowing quite hard."

"It didn't show any signs back at Christmas. Yet it had to happen on our trip."

"But it'd be great to take an open-air bath in the middle of a snow fall."

"I can see my dad doing that, enjoying sake as the snow fell."

"We're drinking anyways. You can go ahead and join him."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

I agreed with that.

My father-in-law liked to drink and even regularly took sake into the open bath onsen. Whether he inherited it in his blood or not, his son also loved to drink alcohol as well. However, he was quite serious about it compared to his father, even only drinking in moderation at the house.

As for me, I secretly wanted to see his appearance after sake had fully removed his inhibitions.

"Oh, message from Raiha-chan!"

"What is it?"

"Well…[Dad already started drinking. Sake snow-viewing.]"

"My hunch was correct."

"Amazing, Uesugi-san."

"Who do you think you're dealing with?"

"Shi Shi Shi Shi Shi."

"Why are you laughing at what's going to be another person's problem? Namely my own."

My father couldn't come this time due to work. Naturally, besides my father-in-law, my husband is the only man who could take care of my drunken father-in-law. Hopefully, Raiha-chan could also handle the reigns.

"Okay, let's calm down and eat some oranges."

"Geez."

"Here."

"Mm."

Yotsuba then brought the mandarin oranges she had peeled and carried it to his mouth.

I couldn't help but stare at it. I don't know the reason myself."

"This is delicious."

"Right? They're sweet and tasty."

"Give me another."

"Haai!"

Unaware of my gaze, Fuutarou loosened his cheeks and promptly opened his mouth. As a matter of fact, Yotsuba looked happy feeling the oranges to him.

"Nn."

Perhaps, because they were too busy looking at the road ahead, her fingers had too much momentum and slightly slipped into his mouth.

Even though it was supposed to be an accident, I found it hard to breathe.

Yotsuba laughed softly then gently pulled back her finger

A thin thread was connected between her finger and his mouth.

For a moment, Yotsuba glanced down on her finger, picked up a mandarin orange, and quickly ate it

A stared at the sight in front of me.

.

Outside the car window, the wind roared and the falling snow grew into an icy blizzard.

* * *

**TN: so far my favorite chapter. The character interactions are really fun. Now pick your choice of wife for the last part and strap on.**


	9. I don't know what Goodbye is

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

Long ago, I saw a movie called "The Graduate."

It was on a lazy Sunday afternoon. My wife and I had no work at the moment so we were both just lounging by the sofa.

My wife flipped through the TV channels as we had lunch along with a cup of tea, a feeling of laziness in the air. She had full TV rights when she's at home because I never used it except for watching the news.

To think, she wanted to see a romance movie more than fifty years old.

I had heard of the title. That was when I didn't have such knowledge of romance when I started to dating my wife and had started reading up on such things to gather data on it. This movie being such data.

"We all watched this together before."

It was easy to understand the "we" here meant her sisters. This was probably the time back in high school when they were still all together.

The final scene was so famous even I knew about it. When it started, a feeling of "Oh, so that's what that was" came from as I watched what I could only describe as the feelings of the runaway mindless youth. While I've heard about it before, it was the first time I've actually seen the source material.

As expected, the movie ended when the hero ran away with the bride from her wedding and they both boarded a buss together.

"I remember thinking the last time we watched it how wonderful the ending was."

My wife smiled as I sipped my mug of coffee. It seemed the ending didn't resonate with her as much as it did in her memories.

"Don't women like that sort of thing?"

"It's not that I don't yearn for it at all but I've gotten married. I don't think it was that important if she didn't act sooner on it."

That's true but the situation of the main character is still difficult. Well, the story was complicated enough from the main character having an affair with the heroine's mother in the first place.

"What did you think? Honest impressions?"

"Hmm. I don't know how much the main characters had but I'm curious to know what happened next."

So, they get off somewhere in town to buy clothes. They couldn't look for an apartment in her wedding dress. Did they have money? At the very least, the bride didn't have a purse. Did she sell her wedding dress to make money for the time being? Would someone buy it in the first place? Did they secretly go back home to get money? Where did they get income?

As they sat on the bus, the smiles of the two characters slowly disappeared as if they were waking from a dream. The heroine looked at the hero uneasily while the hero had an empty expression and couldn't turn to her.

If I was empathetic to the hero and heroine's love then I might have blessed it as an honest and happy end.

I at least don't think the two were happy.

"In the first place, it would have been better if Benjamin only looked at Elaine from the beginning."

"It was a crazy plot because, chronologically, the affair came first, right?."

"That's where he went wrong."

As I wondered if the hero's behavior was truly unforgivable, my wife took of sip of her coffee. Unless rust came out of my body, I'm human enough to admit that I'm wrong when I make a mistake.

Even if someone could make such an irrevocable mistake, there was surely no point where there was no turning back.

"Yotsuba," my wife recalled. "She said found the leftover father of the bride cute.. Your wife had an affair while your daughter eloped with a man. After that, he will have to apologize the ell the guests and family members of the other party. What kind of face did they when they went back home?"

My wife mentioned Yotsuba's words full of kindness while smiling. I wondered if it was because she felt proud of her sister who was kind-hearted enough to worry about those who were left behind.

I had to agree with such a sentiment.

"It does seem like Yotsuba."

Surely, she must have been mindful of how much he left behind had been hurt.

It's amazing how kind she was

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"The air is great!"

While exhaling a white misty breath, Yotsuba looked up at the sky happily. The light of the day when it began to penetrate through the gaps of the trees shined along with the icy crystals in the sky.

I narrowed my eyes to see Yotsuba's shape, lightly walking through the contrast of the crystals that shined even in the deep shades of the trees.

It was as if she was passing through a river of stars.

Pushed along by the cold wind, Yotsuba's long bright hair danced with the powdery snow. Perhaps, it was her pale cream duffel coat but the outline of Yotsuba was faint in the snow. She seemed like such fleeting trick of the light that I unintentionally reached out my hand to her.

"Don't get lost now."

My right hand, which was stretched out halfway then lost its reach, was pushed back into my pocket.

"Is Uesugi-san okay" You don't get too much exercise so be careful."

"I'm not that dull."

"I guess so~"

"What's that strange face?"

"Hm~ Nothing."

Yotsuba turned back around, laughing.

Certrainly, I wouldn't say I'm physically fit but it's not like I had no sense of movement. I'm not useless.

However, the gaze of Yotsuba clearly said. "Don't push yourself, okay?". It's very annoying. What's more upsetting was that unlike the Yotsuba, I was already slightly out of breath.

My body was busy asking for oxygen as a biological instinct but I didn't have room in my lungs for air that tasted like defeat.

"Everyone will be up soon~"

"Aren't they asleep."

"it seems that they went bed late."

We had arrived at the inn an hour behind schedule due to the heavy traffic and deteriorating visibility of the road caused by the heavy snowstorm. We arrived just in time for the sun to be setting and from there we did our New Year greetings.

My dad was already finished but the Nakano sisters, thanks to the stress of traffic and the excitement of the new year, had a drinking spree from dinner until midnight.

"You guys basically ate all the food just so you could eat food like idiots in front of Itsuki."

"What's the matter?"

"I remembered something this morning."

"Oh."

"I remembered the Hyena documentary I saw once."

"I think I've seen that one too. They have a beautiful way of eating, don't you think?"

"Is that what you meant by beautiful?"

If that's beautiful, then I what did they consider horrifying?

I knew that they had bad sleeping postures but, in addition to that, there were numerous empty cans of alcohol and empty bottles of sake littered all over the place.

At least the Salvation army would have left dirty leftovers.

Was this just the result of the discipline and upbringing of the late Nakano matriarch or the insatiable gluttony of the youngest child?

"You're all too energetic."

I had fallen immediately asleep after a visit to the hot spring and eating dinner.

"Everyone slept in the car."

"That's right. They were all behaved."

"Uesugi-san had been driving for a long time but you fell asleep too soon."

Certainly, but this person had been my chatting partner in the passenger seat the whole time.

"But thanks to that, we woke up together for a morning walk. We got lucky." Yotsuba laughed, her flushed cheeks sticking out in the snow. Even I knew I should have seen it before, it felt like it was the first time I saw such an excited smile on her face.

"Ah."

Yotsuba's stopped. The top of the mountain entered my line of sight.

"How nostalgic."

"I've never been here before."

Yotsuba's gaze pointed to a towering bell close by.

"The Bell of Vows."

The snow had piled up, painting the top of the arc white. A lone bell stood lonely as if left behind, lightly swaying by the cold air.

I remember it well.

I remember what happened about seven years ago. When I had come her for a family trip, it had coincided with the Nakano's own.

"You were here on that trip when Grandpa was still alive."

When that old man was still alive, I was taught how to distinguish between the sisters.

"He was a healthy old man. He judo flipped me."

"Huh? Did Uesugi-san do something rude?"

"Why do you assume I did something wrong?"

"Because even if grandpa could be scary, he was also kind. Uesugi-san must have been very rude."

"To begin with, your preconceived assessments of my actions are just as rude."

Well, if it was the viewpoint of the old man, he would have as suspicious person harassing (Miku disguised as) Itsuki). If a stranger like me had been seen approaching her, then it was natural I'd be identified as an enemy.

"Uesugi-san…came here."

"It was to report my engagement at the time."

I looked back up at the bell. On the last day of the trip, I had a kiss in this place.

However, it as almost like an accident.

"That's right. It's just as the legend said."

If a man and a woman rang the bell together, they'd be connected forever.

My wife, who was the other party at the time, had come to the belief that the realization of this legend is "destiny".

"What do you think will happen if you do that kind of charm again?"

Hearing such words spoken with intonation, I shifted my gaze from Bell towards Yotsuba.

"Is it only effective at the very beginning? Or will it be updated?"

The eyes of Yotsuba that stared up at the bell were pure; a pure, deep blue, lake. Even though the lake was clear, the bottom was too deep to surface the emotions trailing deep below.

I was horrified by its depth.

"If it's a contract…"

Even so, no matter how terrified I was, I still couldn't keep my eyes off.

"…Then it's going to be renewed. No insurance, no load, no deposit account, there's no contract that can't be changed.

Before I noticed, I was uttering such a thing. It was a line without any romance in it but no one could have suspected such a thing from me anyways. Besides, I didn't think it was that clever anyways.

"Really, Uesugi-san is Uesugi-san."

"You were wrong to ask me."

Her mouth drew out a wry bitter smile, as if laughing how such a thing couldn't be helped.

"In the first place, I can't really say anything about it because I don't know the precedent."

"Do you want to try it…"

Words said light heartedly a heavy weight to them. To such weight, I had no words to return, all falling down my dry throat.

"…With me, Uesugi-san."

A familiar smile I had long since memorized held a pressure that they hadn't previously. It felt like I was shot from the light peeping from her narrowed pupils.

Her eyes that were as clear as a bottomless lake;

The soft curves of her cheeks that drew a tender pink;

Even her lips, slightly wet, were filled with joy.

All of these parts made up the Yotsuba I knew well but the expression on her face was something I had never seen before.

I couldn't look away.

My face was heating up.

"What's wrong Uesugi-san? Your face is red, ne?"

I frowned at the toothy grin a too pleased looking Yotsuba showed off. I don't even know what I was getting angry over.

"Don't say such things so easily."

"Like what kind of things?"

"That it's embarrassing or confusing. You're just misunderstanding."

I'm amazed at the words that left my mouth.

Am I a middle schooler? I didn't what her to see my face red, so I turned away.

"I can't?"

"It's no good. Those aren't words you should say to just anyone."

"No. I'll only say them to Uesugi-san."

"You know what I mean."

"Hm?"

"It's the intention in those words. You know them, don't you?"

"Uesugi-san's words are difficult so I don't understand. It's not weird to say that you're happy to take a walk with friends, right?"

"You should know well enough. We're not just friends." A sharp retort naturally followed, neither a yell nor a shout. I was close to venting it all out like a child who had reached his limit.

"So, what are we, Uesugi-san?"

The echoes of Yotsuba's voice cut straight through the chilly winter air.

"Are we former classmates?"

There's a small noise as she took a step on the snow.

"Are we good friends?"

_One step._

"Right now, we're relatives."

_Another step._

"Or are we tutor and student, after all?"

_One more step._

"Partners…'

_Stop._

"-Isn't it good enough, right?"

Her mouth curled enough for a smile.

"You're bothering me."

Eyes covered by a thin curtain of tears looked up, shaking. They looked like they would spill at the slightest touch. Maybe because of the cold, her small shoulders started to tremble, like a feeble puppy standing in the cold for the first time.

"Please don't listen to me."

"If you know that, don't say anything."

Lips curled up to the bare minimum of a smile. How irritating.

"Stop making that face."

"You're suddenly saying mean things."

"You've always had that expression since back then but…you're…I'm…"

A discomforting weight as heavy as stones spread through my stomach.

If I kicked the snow that had gathered on top my boots, the powder white would surely scatter through the air. It would be nice if I could do the same with the discomfort in my chest but it didn't' seem it would scatter so conveniently.

"I'm just letting you see your own face."

As the smiles that had floated above the surface disappeared, Yotsuba stared at me with those awful eyes like the oceans, endlessly waiting for something.

I took a step closer. In that moment, her shoulders shook and her right leg jerked upwards.

I couldn't help but laugh. Yotsuba blinked in wonder, unsure why I was laughing. It was because she was just like a puppy. It's hard to believe she was a woman turning 25.

Soon she was patting my chest, trying to stop me, a small self-deprecating smile on her face.

If I was still attracted to Yotsuba, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Idiot. Just how delicate was she? Try to be a bit more self-conscious of yourself.

"What kind of relationship is this?"

Right now, I'm about to make a mistake.

No, maybe I've been wrong for a long time now.

"What can't be said in words should be shown through action."

I exhaled a white breath.

My breath and Yotsuba's melted together in the snow as if sucked into the sky.

"…Do you want to run away?"

"Do you want me to run away?"

"Retuning questions with questions. Zero points."

Yotsuba's smile loosened a little.

"Well, can you tell me the correct answer?"

"As usual, you're still a student that gives me a hard time."

With a pleasant light-hearted response, I started an unforgivable deception,

Even though I knew it was all a lie, in my mind, I was making a fresh start

"...Nn….."

There was no way to distinguish from my breaths, Yotsuba's, or the melting white air around us.

"…You didn't run away?"

"What would you do if I ran away?"

"I'd follow you."

"Really?"

"Lie. I'd be depressed. Very."

Our lips met once more.

"Hmm…Hah…Shi Shi Shi Shi"

After releasing a hot breath, Yotsuba's shoulders shook as she laughed.

"I should have ran away."

"Hm?"

"Then I could comfort a depressed Uesugi-san."

This time it was Yotsuba.

"You have bad taste in men."

"I can't help it. Uesugi-san looks weak. It's hard but I want to give you a hug."

"That'd be bad. But I can understand a little."

Before she could say anything else, I captured her lips once again. Certainly, we've embraced like this before. That we're friends, best friend, or something like brother and sister, we've repeated the same excuses over and over.

"Yotsuba!"

"Uesugi…san."

"Nnm...m...nn"

Sighs leaked from the occasional gap between our overlapping lips. There was no other sound but the sticky smacks of liquids mixing and our combined hot breaths in the icy world.

"Hah, mm

Every time Yotsuba's throat shook, a sweet voice resounded in my ear. It echoed in the back of my head, as if melting away my mind. I couldn't think anymore.

Every moan and gasp peeled something away.

Reasons, or habits. Ethics, morals, or common sense. Guilt or immorality.

Things that had had been stacked between us over and over again.

"Mmm...nnn...Uesu...gi..."

Her sweet voice beat against my senses, sending a current through my spine. When I lightly opened my eyes, Yotsuba had her lips stuck out, cheeks flushed and eyes closed.

I wiped away the tears spilling out their corners with my fingertips.

"Nn...Chu...Hmmm..."

Her eyes wobbled as she opened them to look up, tears still dying her red cheeks wet. When I looked into her moist eyes, my own face is reflected.

There, A sense of accomplishment and pride was reflected on finally getting Yotsuba to start breathing hard. It was a part of myself I didn't know existed.

"…You can't blame the alcohol anymore."

"You can't pretend to be asleep."

"Did you notice?"

"You're a bad liar."

Smiling briskly, Yotsuba narrowed her eyes and scrunched her eyebrows.

"Uesugi-san…."

I thought she looked like a crying, troubled, angry kid about to confess to having done some mischief.

"I like you."

Yotsuba buried her face into my chest Powdered snow lightly piled up on a candy-like her that brightly shone as if it was burning.

Her body shivered as I pressed my lips against her exposed.

"I love you. I love you. I love Uesugi-san. I love you."

It felt she broke my heart and set it on fire each and every time. All the words came out of her throat was set fire to my whole.

Yotsuba's face, as she gently lifted it off my chest, was a mess of tears."

"What a hideous face…"

I laughed as I wrapped each of my palms around her cheek.

It was a terrible face.

It was an awful face but…

"Well, you're really cute."

It was not possible to call her beautiful at this point. After kissing her over and over, she had overcome her shyness and was now one that was cute and mischievous.

Still, was it enough for Yotsuba?

The face that was completely frightened by anxiety yet always held a smile. Even though she had tears and a runny nose, her smile was so awful and beautiful and cute, and I couldn't help but love everything about it.

Instead of words, we kissed each other multiple times.

Our tongues danced against each other, creating sloppy lewd sounds. My sighs mixed with her exhales and her breath mixed with my own.

At some point, Yotsuba's arms wrapped around my neck. I pulled my arms around her waist, as if accepting.

We kissed each other over and over.

I pressed a wobbly-legged Yotsuba against the pillars of the bell, placing my leg between her own so she couldn't escape; Like a caught butterfly I grabbed from the sky and pinned down.

I kept consuming as much of Yotsuba as I could as if trying to devour all of her.

Like distant thunder, I heard the sound of a bell somewhere in the distance.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

A long time ago, we sisters all watched a movie together.

It was during a time where we all studying for exams on a holiday. I remember Uesugi-san was at his other part-time job so I thought it was pretty boring. The atmosphere of study sessions was low as there was no real motivation to study or source of one.

"Let's stop for today!"

It was Ichika who complained first but since that what what everyone thinking anyways, someone who spoke up for the sisters who couldn't say anything. I saw how she was truly the eldest one who took care of us all. Maybe.

Ichika then turned on the TV, flipping channels until at a certain one.

Just from a glance, I could tell it was an old movie.

.

"I know this one," said Ichika who looked interested.

"it's an old movie," said Nino who had some resistance.

"it's not even a Japanese film…" said Miku who seemed to be disappointed.

"Well, it's Sunday lunch," said Itsuki giving the cookies priority.

.

The movie ended with Benjamin taking Elaine from the wedding then boarding a bus.

When asked my impression, I told my sisters "I think the leftovers are cute.", a nice but empty answer. Everyone smiled at me.

There was one impression that I didn't share that came to mind.

,

If there is such thing as a movie in which a man stole a bride,

Could there be a movie in which a woman stole a groom.

.

I wasn't even sure why I had thought up something like that.

I somehow felt hesitation so I didn't tell them.

I wondered why such an impression came out of me at that time.

No one can be happy. I don't know why.

.

But I feel like I understood now.

.

The feel of Uesugi-san's lips,

The softness of Uesugi-san's tongue,

The taste of Uesugi-san's saliva,

The heat of Uesugi-san's breath,

that I'm consuming.

.

The feel of my lips,

The softness of my tongue,

The taste of my saliva,

The heat of my breath,

That he's devouring.

.

After all that time, I feel like I could understand a little.

We sisters lived on instinct.

Rather than choosing what we have to do, we'd rather choose what we want to do.

I've become faithful to my instincts and desires.

.

And, I'm the same as everyone else, just like my sisters.

.

He buried his head against the crow of my neck and pressed his lips against it drawing out sweet and hot nectar that overflowed from the depts of my body.

My legs grew shaky and I felt myself falling.

Uesugi-san reached out to grab my collar but instead grabbed something else.

When I realized what it was, it was too late.

But even if I had noticed it earlier, I wouldn't have stopped it.

.

The sound of a bell that should be ringing overhead like a distant clap of thunder

Was it the sound of blessings?'

Was it a sound of omens?

I wouldn't know as I couldn't hear it over the sounds of our lips clashing against each other.

* * *

**TN: I hate doing moans.**


	10. Saying Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original ****サヨナラを教えて**** series is owned by FOOO****嘉**

* * *

We kissed, filling the gaps between our lips.

We kissed, inhaling each others' breaths.

We kissed, swapping our saliva as if we'd drown.

We kissed, tasting our tongues against each other.

.

He kissed so hard that he bit my lips.

He kissed repeatedly, so long that our sighs became overlapped.

He kissed lapping me up like a thirsty man.

He kissed so deeply that the boundary between our tongues disappeared.

.

Uesugi-san's lips sucked hard on my neck.

No.

When I muttered denials, my lips were blocked as punishment.

How disagreeable.

When I turned my had away, he'd grab my chen and seal my lips even more tightly.

Enough already.

When i pouted in anger, he'd kiss more gently to bring back my good mood.

Fufufu.

When I smiled happily, he smoothly wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes.

.

It was snowing.

The wind was howling around us.

My cheeks were wet.

.

It seemed my body was so hot that i couldn't care about such trivial things. The euphoria stemming from the back of my head was overflowing with happiness, melting my brain.

It was like flying in the sky.

But also sinking into the bottom of a deep sea.

At some point, the direction stopped mattering. Only that the world had collapsed from the floor beneath my feet.

I couldn't feel the ground at all.

.

I could feel the hardness of the pillar as my spine pressed against it. A hard long object that travelled from my back, waist, and buttocks.

The heat on my lips and tongue never once wavered.

It seemed that all other feelings had gone soewhere else yet I didn't feel scared at all.

"I'm become stupid."

Uesugi-san smiled when I said so.

"I've known that for a while now."

A rougish smile. The same one the Fuutarou-kun I had known held.

A boy I met in Kyoto.

A grumpy yet clumsy boy.

A boy who I had promised to work hard together with.

A boy I couldn't keep a promise with.

A boy I didn't want to meet who suddenly appeared before me. Someone, I couldn't hope to have matched.

As I blinked in surprise, Uesugi-san looked down on me with a gentle smile this time.

A clever yet stupid boy.

A boy who worked hard together with me.

A boy who rescued me.

A boy who accepted me as I am.

The Uesugi-san that I knew appeared. I had stuck close to him, not knowing what I wanted to do.

.

Don't play with me. Don't swing me around. Don't get distracted.

My heart shouted.

.

It was then noticed how soaked we both were.

It wasn't just because of the snow.

It was because our necks, faces, and lips were wet.

The sun above was so bright that we finally came to our senses.

"Let's head back."

"Everyone should be waking up by now."

.

We both laughed softly together.

No one but us who lurked beneath the now quiet bell could talk about this secret.

It reminded me of how my sisters and I used to hide under the futon when we wanted to chat to not offend mother.

.

"Here."

Uesugi-san held out his hand.

"Ehehe~"

I reached out and grabbed it, intertwining our fingers.

"I've always wanted to do this."

"Didn't you do this with your boyfriend?"

"Huh?"

"The one when you were in college."

"Didn't I tell you I was lying?"

"You did but I thought that was a lie of a lie as well."

"So the back of the back of a coin became the face, huh?"

"Then your boyfriend was fake?"

"Hahh..."

"What?"

"Did you really never realize it?"

I strengthened the power of my grip on his hand.

"I think it's a bad idea to say what you want to hear."

"Self esteem or self-consciousness. Either way, it's a deadly land mine."

"I want to kiss your lips as much as I want."

"Wrong."

"I want to keep feeling up your butt."

"Wrong."

"Wouldn't it be bad for you if I say it?"

This time, the grip on my hand loosened.

-but I made sure to firmly hold on.

"I won't let you go."

"Tch..."

"Clicking your tongue!?"

Uesugi-san reached up with his free hand to scrape his wet bangs away from his wet forehead. It was an oddly dark tantalizing act.

"Do you like me...?"

"Fufufu."

"That's why I didn't want to ask you."

"Ping pong!"

Gently, power returned to the hand I used to hold his.

"Oh...I...I see."

"You got it?"

"I just noticed just now. I was really jealous of your air boyfriend."

His face, red to the ears, as he squeezes out those words makes my chest tighten.

"That was fun."

"How awful."

"Serves you right."

"Demon."

"I like you."

"Wha-"

"I really really really like you!"

"...yes."

"I love you!"

"!"

"I don't feel any shame at all saying it."

"So after saying it once, it became really easy to say?. I wonder why so much courage was necessary that first time."

"Maybe, the brakes got broken?"

"The brakes are way too fragile. I don't know if you sisters know the difference between the brakes and the accelerator."

"Shi shi shi."

* * *

When I woke up, I felt the stinging cold all over one side of my body. I reached down to feel the arm of Itsuki-san who held me like a pillow and picked up my nearby phone.

The rime was a little past 6:30 am.

I can't help but be amazed as I should have slept in because it was New Year's. However, a body clock that had become used to preparing breakfast for many years doesn't allow me to oversleep easily.

We were in the inn of my grandfather-in-law that we made sure to rent out together for several years already.

Breakfast didn't need to have a fixed time anyways.

Yesterday's diner was alter than planned because Onii-chan had arrived late.

Dad had been drinking since noon so when the date changed he already went back to his room but those five sisters had stayed up drinking until quite late.

Everyone seemed energetic as they were all able to sleep on the car ride here.

Although i don't drink alcohol, I still work up with a sense of freedom from the feeling of a brand new year before me.

Itsuki-san eats a lot but also drinks a lot of sake too.

It was something I noticed when she'd stay over in our place when I was still in high school. She'd drink it up happily as I sat next to her drinking juice.

Teaching was definitely a stressful job so it should be okay to drink once in a while but maybe she should watch it a bit?

Miku-san didn't talk as much but continued to drink something with high alcohol content. If her pace hadn't changed later, it would be like watching a video on loop.

Nino-san and Ichika-san also stayed up quite late and just drank wine moderately.

Yotsuba-san, who had been awake the whole time to accompany my driving Onii-chan fell asleep before the drinking began.

Making sure not to wake her up, I unraveled Itsuki-san's arm from my torso.

In the large sleeping area, everyone was sleeping quite casually. The appearance of four beautiful women sleeping in loose yukata was a poison for even the eyes of the same sex.

In other words, it hasn't reached Ichika-san levels but they were almost naked.

The dimly lit room should have been heated. I shuddered as the cold air bounced against the walls.

I wondered about going back to sleep but once i realized how cold I had become, my body was already more awake then ever.

When I opened the door outside, I didn't think I'd release an "Ah." from my mouth.

It should be cold.

The scenery seen from the window of the corridor was a world fully covered in snow with white spread though all I could see.

...I wonder if I should have a bath.

If I went in now, I could take a morning bath while watching the snow.

Heading back to my actual room, I walked the through hallway with only sounds of the creaking of the trees to accompany me as I went to get a towel and change of underwear.

「―― 」

「―― 、 ――」

I heard a faint voice.

No, the sound was the voices of two people.

They were speaking softly but I could hear the clear fun in their tone.

I slowly crept towards the sound.

"Yotsuba-san? And...Onii-chan?"

"Ah, good morning, Raiha."

"Hi Raiha-chan!"

Yotsuba-san was patting off the snow on her coat. The white powder fell under her feet and boat the coat and her hair were wet.

It seemed both had headed out.

"Did you go out?"

"I woke up early so I went out for a walk."

"Same. I met Uesugi-san by chance so we decided to hang out together."

Both their cheeks were red, probably because it was cold outside.

"Hmm..."

A questioning hum left my lips.

I can't put it in words but it felt like I was being put out of touch, like I was being alienated by the two of them.

I wish they had taken me along for a walk. They may have thought that it'd be bad to wake me up when I was sleeping but Yotsuba-san was never that concerned about such things in the past.

She was always like a sister, a friend who would invite me over to play or take a bath together without hesitation.

And I knew, Onii-chan wouldn't mind. He was a far cry from the old him where he was more concerned about me than was necessary.

In other words, what felt annoying to me was something also called childish jealousy.

It's like my Onii-chan had taken up the attention of me older sister while at the same time my older sister had taken the attention of my Onii-chan as well.

"Did you just wake up, Raiha-chan? Do you want to take a bath together?"

Yotsuba-san seemed to have realized my feelings. After putting her wet sneakers into a clog box, she smiled when she turned to my face.

"Yes!"

Immediately, my mood brightened as I allowed myself to indulge for once.

My Onii-chan, who was never aware of the subtleties of his sisters' heart, looked towards the other side of the hallway, to the room where everyone else was.

"Everyone is still sleeping? That's a shame."

"Huh?"

"I can't do mixed bathing with my wife after all."

...the onii-chan who says things without delicacy should go soak in the hot water alone.

"Oh, yeah...that's right."

Onii-chan's eyes that were empty a moment ago struck wide open.

"Fufufu..."

A soft laugh exited Yotsuba-san. She looked up at my brother's face, a smirk hanging off a tight grin.

"Don't laugh."

"But...shi shi shi."

Onii-chan awkwardly turned away. I turned back from the smiling Yotsuba-san to my brother who refused to meet her. Question marks would have floated over my head.

Just what was this sense of alienation?

I couldn't help but be confused by the indescribable air surrounding these two.

Was it because they had known each other since high school?

Was it because they were friends at the same age?

"Hold on, Raiha-chan. I'll just get a change of clothes."

Abandoning my embarrassment on the matter, Yotsuba-san glanced at Onii-chan for one last time before disappering into the hallway.

"What?"

"Onii-chan will catch a cold too."

"Oh, that's right."

"I mean, weren't you just outside? Your coat is drenched too!"

I pointed out to a detail I had just noticed. My brother's nicely tailored coat looked to be ruined from how wet it was.

"You have to dry it immediately! Here, wipe your head."

I threw my towel against his head as he took of his dripping coat and handed it over to me. It weighed a bit thanks to the water soaking it up.

"Sorry."

"Please don't worry make me worry any further."

Anyways, I have time until Yotsuba-san is ready.

"I thought you'd become more open after you got married. I'll feel bad if you became a father."

"Sorry."

"Then please get better at reading people. I can see how it must be hard for your wife."

"No, I'm a little more better at home. I just get more relaxed when I'm next to my cute sister."

"Please get away from me."

I couldn't help but be amazed at the appearance of my older brother who was not as serious as usual.

"This feels nostalgic..."

However, more than surprised, I'm a little more happy at the feeling.

"It's been like this since back then. I've always taken care of Onii-chan."

"True. You were always the one who cooked for us. You also used to cut my hair."

"Didn't I also fix up your clothes?"

"You told me to thank Yotsuba for her hard work once."

"That's right! You really should show more care. You're awful, Onii-chan."

"Wahaha, I have such a reliable sister. It seems everything is okay."

"Don't be ridiculous."

I looked up at his face and smiled.

He really was still the Onii-chan I knew. No, he was progressing even further.

Insensitive, selfish, and arrogant.

But, if I got sick, he'd nurse me all night and studied hard to make things easier for me. He was a kind proud older brother who worked part-time jobs for my sake.

I couldn't say such things in my wedding speech because it was too embarrassing.

Even though it was only a few years ago, it felt like such nostalgic memories.

The simple black coat for adults I held in my hand turned out to be part of a quality brand. I mean, it looked to be around 5 million yen.

It was probably just his wife's hobby.

Even if it was a mistake, it wasn't possible for Onii-chan to buy something like that with his stinginess.

His style also wasn't bad.

I noticed such things as I looked up at my older brother as he wiped his hair with the towel I gave him.

His hairstyle was much different than the days when I was the one who cut it. Just at a glance, he definitely went to a beauty salon for it (although I can't help but be worried on what kind of expression he'd have by listening to the hairdresser talk.)

He's tall, has a decent face, and well-dressed. Even as his sister, I understood that Onii-chan had become attractive...or had fully realized his potential after he got married under the care of his wife.

So the story I heard during last night's drinking party, that all the sisters had been in love with him, may not have been a joke after all.

"What is it?"

My older brother leaned back at the scrutiny of my stare. It seemed he had gotten worried after I hadn't said anything after a while.

But that was because if that story was even somewhat true...

I wonder if Yotsuba-san also liked Onii-chan?

* * *

I gazed up at the ceiling as I listened to my family sleep around me.

Waking up, my body felt as heavy as lead after all the heavy drinking but my consciousness had gradually dawned thanks to the cold air around me.

I wonder if my husband has woken up yet.

Because of driving fatigue, he only drank a little yesterday and went back to our room early.

There were the usual boo's from my sisters but everyone knew that there had been poor visibility during that slippery blizzard. Having all six lives in his mind must have weighed on him so we eventually conceded to let him off and rest.

I thought to go back to our room and sleep together but decided to give priority to talk with my family for the first time in a while.

What about breakfast?

There wouldn't be any food as we also told grandfather to get some rest.

So if everyone woke up, maybe we could do it together?

It may be one of the best things about growing up since high school but now everyone can cook.

As I lazily thought about waking everyone up, I hear the sound of footsteps squeaking from the hallway outside.

It's a rather old inn. If I listened carefully, I could hear the sounds stopping in front of the room.

The door is slid open as slowly as possible as to not make any noise.

As her coat is taken off and placed on the hanger, I gently spoke up from my corner of the room to the person who just entered.

"Yotsuba?"

The figure froze.

Even if it was dark, no matter how she was dressed, I wouldn't mistake any of my sisters.

Yotsuba turned to me slowly. She wan't wearing a Yukata, just plain clothes.

"Did you go out?"

"Yeah, I took a walk."

"Even though it was cold?"

"Oh, right."

"Didn't you notice?"

It was just like her to have forgotten the cold. I noticed her cheeks were flushed as if she had been running.

"Was it fun?"

I ignored the cold for now. The image of my sister running in the snow like a puppy floated before my eyes. My mouth instinctively curled up in a smile.

Yotsuba nodded then before meeting my eyes.

"Yeah, it was so much fun."

A smile with no lies.

* * *

**TN: "Since this is a Yotsuba fic, let's use as many japanese sayings that don't have 1-to-1 translations. That's her best subject, after all."**


End file.
